You Gotta Get A Clue.

Relationships tend to be a bit biased in terms of attention. There is always someone who gives a little too much and someone who gives a little too little. But somewhere in that many people find a balance and feel good about themselves. Most couples can at least work around this, but sometimes a couple is so uneven that one side is smothering the other.

Men who smother tend to offer large volumes of gifts and carefully planned events, they tend to shower their partner in affection and feed them as much as possible, they don’t want to leave their partner’s side.

Women who smother tend to be overly protective of their partner, get jealous of every female around their partner, display their dominance and, again, won’t leave their partner’s side.

And the interesting thing, is that these men and women don’t actually want to treat their partner like that. They feel bad about it, get stressed over it… so why do they do it to begin with?

My theory is this: they smother the way they want to be smothered.

People who smother are often insecure, have inferiority issues and are desperately in love with their partner. But because they feel like less, they are desperate to feel wanted.

Men who smother don’t want to smother. They want to actually be smothered by their partner, in almost the exact same way they deliver the smothering. They want food and gifts from their partner. They want their partner to initiate physical contact and reciprocate.

Women who smother don’t want to smother. They want to actually be smothered by their partner, in almost the exact same way they deliver the smothering. They want to be protected jealously. They want their partner to initiate rough sex and guard them from danger.

And they put on the smothering act in an attempt to give their partner a clue. They’re saying “look at this, isn’t it great? do this for me”. They believe that if they smother enough they will be smothered back and will find value in themselves.

But the thing they miss is that their partner doesn’t enjoy the smothering. Their partner generally feels overwhelmed and makes an effort never to smother them back. They make an effort to get and give some space. Which makes the smotherer feel more insecure, more nervous and more unwanted. So they redouble their efforts.

Eventually these relationships run their course.

And many smotherers eventually get a clue of their own and move onto a healthier way of displaying love and attracting affection.

But not before leaving a trail of confused, hurt and concerned ex partners and old friends behind them.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

8 thoughts on “You Gotta Get A Clue.

    • A bit of both! It’s sort of how I worked it out. Jon and I are both very introverted, but also very talkative, very physical and a bit on the needy side at times. So when one of us is “socialled-out” as we put it, the other can get overbearing.

      We had a talk about it well over two years ago and reached a few agreements so as to not smother each other. But it’s very easy to start giving someone extra attention in an effort to show them what you want from them. Which is a pretty maladaptive method.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have a male friend and female friend who are both this way. After many bad relationships, they ended up dating each other and now are married. They appear to be happy, smothering themselves in married bliss. Time will tell I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I find it difficult to be friends with couples like this. I have had friends like this a couple of times and it’s just hard to really do much with them. If they have no independence and have to always be a package deal, then I don’t don’t want either of their time, not that they really cared anyway.

      Liked by 2 people

    • As long as they crave the sort of attention the other gives, its quite possible they will be happy. Though couples like that always make me think of the Flanders in The Simpsons. Sweet and I’m happy for them, but I don’t know how exactly they manage.


    • Absolutely. When one person is introverted and the other is extroverted, the constant smothering and vying for attention can actually make the extrovert’s situation worse rather than better, too. The introvert is more likely to hide from them for some peace and quiet.


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