You Gotta Get A Clue.

Relationships tend to be a bit biased in terms of attention. There is always someone who gives a little too much and someone who gives a little too little. But somewhere in that many people find a balance and feel good about themselves. Most couples can at least work around this, but sometimes a couple is so uneven that one side is smothering the other.

Men who smother tend to offer large volumes of gifts and carefully planned events, they tend to shower their partner in affection and feed them as much as possible, they don’t want to leave their partner’s side.

Women who smother tend to be overly protective of their partner, get jealous of every female around their partner, display their dominance and, again, won’t leave their partner’s side.

And the interesting thing, is that these men and women don’t actually want to treat their partner like that. They feel bad about it, get stressed over it… so why do they do it to begin with?

My theory is this: they smother the way they want to be smothered.

People who smother are often insecure, have inferiority issues and are desperately in love with their partner. But because they feel like less, they are desperate to feel wanted.

Men who smother don’t want to smother. They want to actually be smothered by their partner, in almost the exact same way they deliver the smothering. They want food and gifts from their partner. They want their partner to initiate physical contact and reciprocate.

Women who smother don’t want to smother. They want to actually be smothered by their partner, in almost the exact same way they deliver the smothering. They want to be protected jealously. They want their partner to initiate rough sex and guard them from danger.

And they put on the smothering act in an attempt to give their partner a clue. They’re saying “look at this, isn’t it great? do this for me”. They believe that if they smother enough they will be smothered back and will find value in themselves.

But the thing they miss is that their partner doesn’t enjoy the smothering. Their partner generally feels overwhelmed and makes an effort never to smother them back. They make an effort to get and give some space. Which makes the smotherer feel more insecure, more nervous and more unwanted. So they redouble their efforts.

Eventually these relationships run their course.

And many smotherers eventually get a clue of their own and move onto a healthier way of displaying love and attracting affection.

But not before leaving a trail of confused, hurt and concerned ex partners and old friends behind them.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

Advertisements

5 Things Women Get Easy (that men would love).

In every society there are things that come easier to some people than to others and gender is one of those divides. Even in a primitive society, women often miss out on adventure and meat for being at home, whilst men miss out on safety and fruit for being away. In today’s society we’re told time and time again about the cultural and legal privileges that men have over women and we’re only just starting to acknowledge the many advantages that women have legally and in education. However we don’t really touch on the cultural advantages women have that men have to work incredibly hard to get.

So here are five privileges our culture bestows on women that men rarely receive, but absolutely love receiving.

1: Physical touch and sex.

Women benefit from all sorts of physical interactions. I’ll focus on two extremes: basic touch and sex.

Basic touch is when a friend hugs you, or a coworker rests a hand on your shoulder to reassure you. Women are more likely to be offered this touch and, with new concerns about harassment, less likely to receive it when we don’t want it.

Sex has always been easier for women to get than for men, as humans are social animals and for society to thrive, all women must be offered a chance to reproduce. However men are becoming increasingly stigmatized for their sexual urges and natural desires on top of this, which means men have a much harder time getting sex.

However men enjoy all sorts of physical contact and are just as de-stressed by a hug as a woman is.

2: Help.

Women are more likely to be offered a helping hand with something difficult and less likely to be stigmatized for asking for help. This means that in every case where a woman finds herself in trouble she is more likely to be helped on her way by a friend or stranger than a man is.

This is even reflected by our social aid projects. Although by far more men are homeless than women, more women receive homelessness support. Although men suffer domestic violence and especially physical abuse as much as women, almost all DV shelters assume that the woman was the victim and most are women-only.

We are a society unwilling to help men even when they need it.

3: Common courtesy.

When you’re exiting a supermarket and someone lets you out before they enter, when a parking spot is given to you, when a door is held open for you or helps you pick up something you dropped, that is actually a form of common courtesy, a way of being gentle and polite to everyone around you.

But, again, women are on the receiving end more often than men. Try watching a doorway from a waiting room or a cafe for a few hours. Most of the people having a door held for them will be women, even if it’s also a woman holding the door. Yet sometimes even when their arms are full, men don’t get that same bit of help. But it’s beyond assistance. If someone is stood by a door, struggling with a pile of boxes and nobody opens it or held it open for them, they are practically invisible. Nobody sees them, so nobody extends that politeness to them.

But apparently most men are invisible in that regard.

4: Assumption of parental instinct.

When a woman moves to collect a child at the park, nobody questions it. When a female teacher sees a young boy after school, nobody questions it. When a mother is involved in a case of domestic violence against her child, nobody believes for a second that she was a willing and sane participant. This is the assumption of parental instinct: the assumption that a mother is a parent first and a human later. And it definitely has its downsides, as all the aforementioned scenarios have played out before and the ending has been child abuse.

But men face the opposite. The assumption they have no parental instinct. If a father takes a picture of his own child at the park he is attacked. When a male teacher sees a young girl after school she is questioned as to what he did to her. When a father is involved in a case of domestic violence against his child he is assumed to be the instigator. Whilst nobody should carry the assumption of parental instinct the way mothers do, nobody should be assumed to entirely lack parental instinct the way fathers are. The choice between a good father and a drug addicted mother should be obvious and his relationship status shouldn’t be the pivot point for the entire custody case.

In these cases, ultimately the children are the ones who suffer.

5: A break or a free pass.

Women get this and we sometimes don’t even realize it. It ranges from women (in general) receiving shorter sentences for the exact same crimes as men (in general), to girls being more likely to get a hall pass or extra mock time in school, to women being able to smile their way out of a parking ticket. In short, because women look more childlike and frail than men and because women are attractive to men, men and women alike are more likely to give a woman a free pass if she acts out, commits a crime or lies.

Men don’t get this pass unless they are under serious duress or look particularly infantile and sweet. Even when they are literally children, boys are more likely to be tried as adults in serious criminal cases than girls. And men of certain socioeconomic, cultural or racial backgrounds in certain countries may be treated more harshly than the law requires. The assumption seems to be that men “can take it”. A man “can take” being forced to the ground and having a rib broken during arrest. A boy “can take” waiting for half an hour for the toilet. A man “can take” paying his parking ticket. A boy “can take” being tried as an adult for arson. Girls are sweet and innocent, women are childlike and nice, but males need to own their actions and then some.

But men aren’t machines. Yes, men are more designed for hardship than women. This much is evidenced by the hundreds of thousands of years men have spent hunting and warring as women stayed home and faced relatively little danger. But what is natural isn’t necessarily fair and in a world where everyone abides by the law as best they can and everyone pays for their actions, it is genuine injustice to make men pay more unnecessarily.

And those are five things that come very easily to women that men would love to have. Use this information as you will. Maybe you will give your husband or brother some more hugs, or your son a free pass when your daughter would get one in the same situation. Maybe you’ll think more about parenting and the assumption of parenthood before siding with mothers against fathers. Maybe you’ll even consider men’s human rights a cause you are willing to support and actively fight for them. Whatever you do to give men a little taste of female privileges, however small, remember this: it doesn’t hurt women, it doesn’t hurt society and it makes the world a better and fairer place.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

Being Loved the Way You Want to Be Loved.

When we speak of relationships we tend to think of one sort of love. Early love. The light, airy head, the butterflies of neophilia, the strange conflict of socially approved lust and impressions of purity, the fascination of their mystique, the euphoria that comes with feeling like all of the future is an open possibility.

Due to a combination of popular media and the fascination with retaining our teenage experiences as long as possible, this is almost the only acceptable form of love to pursue and discuss.

Which is unfair on almost everyone, because nobody’s love is quite so contradictory. Human love is multifaceted. There are, arguably, three faces to romantic love and each of them has its own spectrum.

We have affection. This is the sort of love that, on its own, is also accepted as love in our world, though many people would not consider it enough for a romantic relationship on its own. Affection is clean, pure, basically born of simply liking someone or something. It includes sweetness and tenderness, respect, a desire for the other to be well. It’s basically the sort of love everyone seems to aspire to, as though it were a complete romantic love on its own.

But there are two other faces to romantic love that need to be there to make it complete. And these faces are often seen as impure caveats to affection, rather than natural, decent forms of love.

Then we have purpose. This is the sort of love that results in altruism, child-rearing urges and nestmaking. Some purpose is instinctive, like a woman’s urge to hold a child. Some purpose is cultural, like a person’s desire to provide for their partner. Purpose covers anything where you are neither acting out of lust or affection, but out of a sense of duty to the other person. This sort of love is devalued because it is seen as lacking genuineness. It is a noble thing to give someone money or even kill yourself for someone out of pure affection or even out of lust. It is shameful to do the same because you feel it is your responsibility to do so.

Then we have lust. This is the sort of love that is born of the desire to procreate. It is arguably essential to human romantic love. And it is also demonized. It needs to be compensated for with affection, otherwise it isn’t good. For example, your romantic love is supposed to be born of affection and develop into lust. Which is odd considering that is rarely the case. We are attracted to someone biologically before we feel bonded to them. Lust is purely superficial.

But just because purpose is cold and heartless and lust is superficial and selfish doesn’t mean they are kryptonite to romantic love. They are as necessary in love as affection is. A love free from lust and purpose isn’t better by virtue of innocence. Neither is it more likely to last.

Rather, all three need to be combined just right to make a relationship durable and enjoyable.