MacDonald’s Sex.

From what I have read and heard, the MacDonald’s Sex epidemic is a fairly novel, increasingly common complaint across the Western world, from young newlyweds to boomer couples and old married folk, from teens to centenarians, from men and women.

What is MacDonald’s Sex? It’s sex that does the job, hits the spot, makes you feel better for a short while… but in the long run leaves you in a slump, bored out of your mind and questioning your life choices.

It’s characterized by…

1: Short sessions. Whoever is finished first wants it over with quickly, more akin to quick masturbation than actual sex.

2: Semi-frequency. It’s actually not a dry well at all. Perhaps not daily or every other day, but definitely once or twice a week.

3: Goal-orientation. The goal is always in mind. Like a burger during a long road trip, you just want it over with so you can focus on other matters.

4: Lack of exploration. Because there isn’t much time nothing is attempted or introduced that could possibly lengthen the session or take your mind off what you need to do later.

5: Lack of variety. And when no exploration happens, the mix won’t exactly have much in it.

6: Distraction. Due to brevity, familiarity and boredom, neither party is exactly in the moment.

It’s basically reducing sex to it’s most basic function, the same way junk food reduces food to appetite->hunger->feeding. There is no thought put into the ingredients. There is no thought put into the greater physical and psychological aspects of sex. There is no desire to fully enjoy the experience. There is no attention paid to the actual act taking place. The couple may as well be rabbits in a field, for all the bonding, socializing and enjoyment they derive from the act.

And it’s actually pretty sad.

However long you’ve been with someone.

However many constraints your faith or morals place on the act.

However rushed or stressed or tired you are.

There’s no reason why at least once a week you can’t make time to feel like a human couple during sex.

It’s in your power to make it a deep, emotional, intense, spiritual moment.

TTFN and Happy Hunting.

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How To… be alone together.

Many relationships seem to suffer from a close contact issue. And a lot of this is because women and men bond differently.

Men bond by sharing experiences, through active contact, whereas women largely bond through conversation and brain-picking.

Which makes sense when you consider that women benefit the most from exploring a man’s status, interests and behaviours before any children are brought into the picture, whereas men enjoy pair-bonding as a small part of a very active life.

The easiest way to bridge this gap in your everyday life is to spend some time, as some men put it, “being alone together”.

1: Find shared interests.

This is much easier when you find something you enjoy together. The idea is to pick something easy that you can sit back and enjoy together without there being any pressure on talking, interacting or generally socializing.

Please make sure you’re actually both interested in it. There’s nothing worse than putting a film on and trying to just relax in silence and having someone speak throughout the entire film.

Suggestions:

-films

-music

-audiobooks

2: Find relaxed solo interests.

If you can’t find a shared interest, find two interests that overlap. Ideally neither should require dead quiet and only one should hog a particular space or item of media.

Suggestions:

-a film and a craft

-a game and some music

-some music and a book

-a game and a book

3: Find some time to yourselves.

Maybe the issue isn’t so much the activities as that you don’t get any peace and quiet. The second the children, work, pets and other duties are out of the way, you’re so short of time you just try and cram everything in.

Instead of using all your time together and every date night actively, try and have a few quiet ones. If you’re feeling stressed and tired, cancel dinner plans and sit in with a pizza. If you’re oversocialized don’t push yourself to talk. The company is golden, but sometimes the active, energetic aspects of time together can be draining.

4: Just relax.

Perhaps you don’t want to do anything particular. Perhaps everything feels like too much.

There’s nothing wrong with curling up together on the sofa or in bed and just relaxing. Appreciate the company, the silence, the touch. Doze off if you want to. A nap doesn’t hurt. Just try and be present, enjoy your partner’s presence and unwind.

And it really is that simple.

Make a little time, find something relaxing and enjoy some peace and quiet in each other’s company.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

How do you enjoy relaxing? Are there any overlaps between your “me time” and your shared interests as a couple? I love hearing how everyone makes these things work… it’s so different for everyone!

Marriage As A Team.

With the advances of no-fault divorce, women usually being secondary or non-earners, staggered alimony and the assumption of female primary caregiving, it makes sense that a lot of men aren’t really all that interested in marriage. From a purely economic perspective, even if the stats actually show your risk of divorce is well under 50%, there’s still a risk. How many people would put their head into a tame lion’s mouth? It’s still a lion.

However, curiously, women have started to question marriage. At least during the years when we are likely to have a more successful marriage, which is 25-35. Which is odd, considering that we risk very little in marrying and stand to gain so much from either a lifelong marriage or divorce. From a purely objective standpoint, women should at least be ambivalent for men’s sake, at worst be callous supporters. But, as a population, we’re not.

The social demonization of marriage that started in the 60s and 70s is catching up with us. The angry, bitter radicals who called marriage slavery out of one corner of their mouths whilst stalking a man across the globe have finally persuaded most of Western society, men and women alike, that marriage is an evil institution. And they have done so by making it a zero-sum-game.

The basic concept of a zero-sum-game is: someone always wins, someone always loses. In the context of partnerships: one of you will be better off than when you were single and one of you will be worse off than when you were single. And the idea that marriage or long term partnerships are zero-sum-games has infiltrated every corner of our society. Feminists will claim that marriage is anywhere from manipulation to slavery for women, so they must seek to control their relationships carefully. PUAs will claim that marriage and long term relationships are shackles to the minds of men who do not dominate their relationships. Your Joe and Joan Average will work their very hardest to evenly split all their work, incomes, chores and time, so as to guarantee a balance. Everyone is convinced that if you aren’t getting more out than your partner, you’d be better off single.

Which is very scary, considering it undermines one of the main functions of marriage: to grow with each other. The purpose of marriage is to create a mini-community. Which, in our fairly empty, disconnected, callous world, is highly needed as many of us don’t have a larger community anyway. It’s meant to bond two people, get them working in sync so that they both have more than when they started, so they can look after their elders and have and raise healthy, happy children. That was the entire point of marriage.

Therefore, when we try and treat it as a zero-sum-game, as an individual vs individual competition where when you aren’t doing better than them, you’re losing, we aren’t in a marriage. You may have the certificates, but all you’re doing is coexisting, or, worse even, competing.

Instead, when you’re in a long term relationship of any kind, you should be looking at the relationship as the whole and yourselves as the halves. You are not factories, but production units in a little factory. And you should be working on everything you can to keep the factory (your relationship) functional and profitable for both of you. And this becomes quite a cycle. For example, how Jon and I work together to give ourselves a better life:

  1. Jon works full time so he can afford to rent this house. +space
  2. I care for the house so he doesn’t have to. Meaning the house is more worth having and leaving us more together time. +time
  3. I can cook him far better, healthier meals than he could cook himself in the time he used to have, saving us money on snacks and supplements. +money
  4. Because the house is so big, I can use the spare bedroom as an office to tutor from. I can also grow our own food in the garden. +money
  5. Because I work as a private tutor, I can earn £10-25/h, rather than minimum wage of £6.50/h not including travel and expenses. +money
  6. Because I work from home, I work on my own hours. +time
  7. Which means I also can arrange my work day to take advantage of discounts, offers, reduced price foods. +money
  8. Which means his disposable income hasn’t actually dropped much from when he lived in a single room. +money
  9. Which means the need for overtime is reduced. +time

If we both worked full time, split the chores when we got home and only had that little remainder together, we’d have less money, less free time and eventually not be able to afford the space we live in, the quality of food we eat or the entertainment we use. In short, if we acted as individuals, our quality of life would go down. So basically, by working together, as a unit, viewing time together as our main free time, and our assets as shared rather than split, we have both improved our quality of life. He has a larger home, better food, more time with me, more time for leisure activities, more flexibility with work and more money in the bank at the end of the month than when single. I have a larger home, better work prospects, more time with him, more time for leisure activities and more money in the bank at the end of the month than if I were single. We’re in a relationship and by viewing the relationship as the unit and ourselves as component parts: we both win.

So no, long term relationships aren’t a zero-sum-game where there has to be a loser and if you can’t spot the loser, the loser is you. They are a team game where you both work together and use your assets to protect each other’s assets, multiplying the rewards for your work. They are an investment in a partner that, if well -calculated, will pay you back. If you can’t spot the loser, but you’re richer, happier, with more free time and a generally higher standard of life than before: you’re not a loser, you’re playing the game right.

TTFN and Happy Hunting.

What is your view on long term relationships? How does your relationship or marriage work? What do you feel your personal investment gives back to you as a couple? Do share!