Love is a Limited Resource.

It seems to be assumed by many that because we can feel love infinitely, we can also give love infinitely. In principle, the idea that love (the feeling) is infinite is not all that harmful. But love is not a feeling. Love is a verb, an action. You can claim to love someone even when you do not support it with your actions, and everyone will agree that is not love. Therefore, in reality, love is the act of loving, not the act of feeling love. And the act of loving is a limited resource.

This is evidenced by people who claim to love infinitely.

Parents of many children claim to love every child, but eventually hit a point where their children are suffering the compression of their homes and their days.

Radical vegans claim to love all animals and to wish harm on none, but will cause another human vast amounts of pain for not agreeing with them.

Animal hoarders claim to love every animal they own whilst simultaneously making all of them ill and even killing some of them.

Polygamous people claim to love many sexual and romantic partners “the same”, but will readily reduce their exposure to all their partners to accommodate a new love.

Hippie types claim to love all people, but will distance themselves from people who are violent, the very people who would most benefit from their world view.

Humans simply cannot love infinitely. Our love is a limited resource. Why? Because the ways in which we show love are physically restricted.

Time.

Our time is limited. If we have six hours a day to dedicate to socializing, then every person we add to that list reduces our ability to socialize with the others. There is a reason we value having a few close friends over hundreds of distant ones. It is simply easier to love and be loved by someone you see and talk to for an hour a day than by someone you see and talk to for an hour a month.

Resources.

We show our love also by sharing resources with others. Whether it’s taking someone out for a fancy meal or simply feeding our children the bare basics they need to survive, the more mouths we add to our list to feed, the less we can feed each of them. Whatever you offer someone as a token of love, every person you add breaks it in half.

Energy.

And we also only have so much energy to invest in people. Maybe we do have six hours a day to dedicate to socializing. But that also involves the energy expense of moving to see people, engaging in actions and, for introverts, just putting on our social faces. The more people you deal with, the less energy you have to deal with each of them. So you could theoretically throw a party every night and socialize with a hundred and fifty people per night. But it will drain you.

Quite simply, we have so much to give. And we need to be aware of that. Otherwise we end up in a family of fifty with nothing to eat, or hurting a friend to prove we love an animal, or adopting three cats into a deadly environment, or seeing our partners rarely to keep face with other partners, or pushing away people who need our help to encourage good feels.

Our resources are limited. We cannot love everyone. Instead, we need to allocate some of our love to everyone of value in our lives and prioritize who gets the most of what we have to give. Otherwise we end up with nothing left to give and nobody to give it to.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.
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Nothing bores me more than people with crystal balls.

The more I talk to people, the broader and less certain the subjects, the more fun I find it to picture them turbaned, leaning over a crystal ball by candle light, muttering an incantation…

“Yes, the spirits have spoken. If we leave the EU our government will totally not join TTIP!”

“Indeed, I see it clearly… having a baby would be the best/worst decision in your life!”

“Allow me to consult the cards, I need to know whether your business will keep making money in two years.”

“The prophecy says that if we do not quell the rise of religion, we will be in the dark ages by 2050…”

“The lines on your hand predict a short love life, so avoid marriage because it will never last.”

“Donald Trump’s stars say that if he tries to build a wall he will start WWIII!”

Yes, I’m sure you’re completely right. If every single factor you are assuming actually takes place. And everyone seems to think they have it figured out. TTIP is supported by the EU, so if we leave the EU then we will do the opposite of them, right? Well, only if the government wants to. There are many reasons for leaving the EU that don’t exclude joining TTIP separately. Relationship statistics are pretty bad, so marriage is pointless, right? Well, only if you are marrying out of some desire to have a pretty wedding and impress your friends, rather than as a legal tool to assist in your shared goals. Marriage is about working as a team towards one thing, not going along for the ride and seeing where you wind up. Trump’s wall would create masses on international conflict and break out into war, right? Well, only if other nations view it as worth their while to start armed conflict with the USA. Perhaps border control isn’t worth the risk of annihilation.

Same goes for all the rest. The underlying assumptions need to be true, and the buildup conditions need to be fulfilled for your “prophecy” to play out.

So stick to your crystal ball. I’ll just keep working on everything I can control and keep on the fence regarding everything I can’t. It’s less stressful that way.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

7 Steps to Dealing With Yourself In Relationships.

Following an article and a response a while back, I decided to construct my own reply.

Biblical Gender Roles began with “7 Steps to Dealing with a Lazy Wife”.

7 Steps to dealing with a lazy wife
Step 1 – Know beforehand that this will hurt her

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:6 (KJV)

Very few women if any will take it well when their husband tells them he believes they have been lazy and neglectful in their duties to their home. But it must be said.  This is the sacrifice of discipline that you must make as a husband.
Step 2 – Speak the truth in love

“14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:” – Ephesians 4:14-15 (KJV)

The “L” word is not a swear word. In some Christian circles a man saying his wife is acting “lazy” is akin to him calling her a cuss word.  The KJV uses two words for laziness – one is “slothfulness” and the other is “idleness”:

“By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through.” – Ecclesiastes 10:18 (KJV)

So yes speak the truth in love – but speak the truth.  If it walks like a duck and acts likes duck – it’s a duck. In fact the Bible says that a godly wife is NOT a lazy wife:

“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27 (KJV)

There is no sugar coating this gentlemen – if a wife is not keeping up with duties of her household she is being lazy and she must be called out on this.
I think that initially you should try and handle this in private with your wife away from your children and with most other issues.  But at a future point if she continues in this sin of laziness it will become evident to the children that mom is doing something wrong.  I will talk about this more later.
Step 3 – Make the consequences for her laziness clear

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” – Revelation 3:19 (KJV)

At first give her a warning. But let her know that if you come home and see the house is a mess, laundry is not done, the home is not clean or dinners are not being prepared there will be consequences for her laziness.
I have talked in more detail about how men can discipline their wives in my post “7 Ways to Discipline your wife”.
Step 4 – Follow through on disciplinary consequences if she fails to change her ways

“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” – Hebrews 12:11 (KJV)

If you thought confronting your wife about her laziness was the hardest part you would be wrong.  Following through on the consequences you promised will be the most difficult part.  But remember why Christ sacrificed himself? It was to make his bride holy and so to you must do this to try and yield the fruit of righteousness in your wife’s life.
Step 5 – Attempt private discipline first
Once you have examined “7 Ways to Discipline your wife” you will notice that most of these methods could be instituted in a way that does not draw attention to your wife from your children.  I would suggest you try these kinds of private discipline first.
One method of private discipline that I added as an update to “7 Ways to Discipline your wife” is using your time as a husband as a method of discipline.  This is especially important to men in Tom’s situation where finances are tight. Many women value their husband’s time more than almost anything else.  A man can use discretion with how much of his free time that he allocates to his wife as one method of discipline.
Step 6- Move to more public discipline if private discipline does not work
An example of public discipline would be turning off the internet or cable in your home. Perhaps you might lock these things out with a code only you know. If you need the internet for work or children need it for school you could put the new code only in your computer and theirs and not your wives so she will have no access while others can still use it.  If you have to do this to shake your wife from her laziness this will get the attention of your children as it affects them.
Contrary to what some Christian teachers may teach – you do not have shield your children from your correction and discipline of your wife especially if she puts you in the position to have to do things that are more publicly visible to the rest of the family.
Some might say that this type of discipline undermines a mother’s authority in the eyes of her children and dishonors her before them in direct contradiction to I Peter 3:7’s admonition for men to honor their wives. But this could not be further from the truth.
The mother has dishonored herself by placing her husband in the position to have to elevate his discipline of her from private to public. Matthew 18:15-17 teaches us this principle that first correction is to be attempted privately but if the person remains in unrepentance their sin is to be made public.  Wives and mothers are not an exception to principle.
Step 7 – If she spurns your discipline then bring her before the Church

“…How have I hated instruction, and my heart despised reproof;” Proverbs 5:12 (KJV)

An now we come to the most public form of discipline a man might have to bring against his wife.
As husbands we have a duty to discipline our wives for sinful behavior. But whether it comes to our wives or our children there is only so much that we can do to discipline them and try and get them on the right path. If they despise our discipline and rebel then we must leave them in the Lord’s hands.
It is only when we have exhausted what we can do and if they continue in steadfast rebellion against our attempts to discipline them that we then should bring them before the church (Matthew 18:15-17).
But again they may not even listen to the church.
We must face the fact that discipline does not always yield the results that we want for those we love that are under our authority and spiritual care. But discipline requires two active parties for it to be successful. It requires the authority to perform the discipline and it requires the one under authority to learn from the discipline and change their way.
However, even if the wife does not learn from the discipline and change her ways this does not mean removing the disciplinary measures.  Once all measures have been taken those measures should stay in place until repentance is made.

VioletWisp then followed up with “7 Steps to dealing with a Sexist Partner”:

1. Insist from the start of a relationship that everything is split equally, don’t fall for nonsense notions of men choosing, paying or opening doors.
2. Once co-habiting, ensure household chores are evenly split, so outdated roles aren’t assumed without thought, and the joy of maintaining a well-kept, shared space is appreciated fully by all.
3. Always stay in some form of employment if possible, or at least keep skills up to date, so that a finance card can never be used against you.
4. Let sex fall within a natural rhythm when both of you want it. Never feel the need to go at it for the sake fulfilling an unwritten quota, and risk it becoming something you don’t look forward to.
5. If your partner ever mentions disciplining you, as if you are a child and he is a terrible parent from previous centuries, run a mile.
6. If your partner ever suggests that the egalitarian teachings of the character Jesus can be used to force you to submit to him, tell him you’re joining the Quakers and kick him out.
7. If your partner suggests you are lazy, get pens and paper out and each write down all the shortcomings you see in each other and discuss if either of you are willing or able to change. If you can’t come to agreement and feel the shortcomings are a deal breaker, go your separate ways.

My own reply was a comment at Violet Wisp’s page, but I felt it might be a breath of fresh air among so much… confrontation.

Seven steps to dealing with a relationship as adults:

1. Observe your capabilities from the start of the relationship and give freely and happily. Do not expect returns on investment other than when you invest love and do not keep score. You know, as though you love them.

2. Once co-habiting, ensure all household chores are DONE, whoever the hell does them. Who cares if you slip into traditional or nontraditional gender roles, the dishes need washing.

3. Stay busy earning or saving, but try and get one of you to work part time or from home, just so someone’s there for money saving tasks, animals, children and general conveniences. Plus, being at home all day is a luxury that the recipient will not leave unappreciated.

4. Talk about sex openly and honestly. Have sex when you both want to. Agree to masturbate or compensate sexually for each other when you’re not quite in the mood for proper intercourse. Hangups and frustration suck.

5. If your partner ever mentions disciplining you, first see if you are being unbearable in your demands or denials. There are very few people who will even threaten discipline without feeling sorely hurt. If they are not hurt, you’re dating a nonempath.

6. Work constantly to move towards a better future as a couple, rather than worry about who is or is not in charge. Disagreements are fine. Final decisions can be made by anyone. But when the argument is one vs the other, it will end in disaster.

7. If your partner finds shortcomings in you, talk about them and see if you can see the same issues and whether they bother you. If they do, change them. If they do not, offer your partner an out. Bringing up lists of negatives about each other, mulling them over and going on about them all the time is a great way to stop loving someone. Slight idealizing results in longer, happier relationships. Besides, what sort of a person are you if you can only bring up problems as a response to someone else’s complaints? Why not deal with every problem as they arrive?

Because there is no formula, Biblical, feminist or otherwise, that will make your relationship work, that will get you the “results” you want out of the independent agent that is your partner, that will make everything awesome all the time. There is only the two of you and your own agency. Your partner is not a puzzle piece in your life, nor a project. Cut loose and work on yourself and your relationship. There is only so much you can control.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

Being One Of The Others. Part III. Beyond School.

The concept of “otherness” is based on the idea of “us vs them”. In short, when we have established what we are, everything else is not us, and therefore must be “them”. The “other” is the individual who has not yet found a place where they belong, or who primarily deals in an environment where they do not belong.

In Part I: Stepping Out, I explored how Other Girls (OGs) are less often an absolute reject and more often the female equivalent to the male rogues: capable, gender-conforming individuals who feel at odds with the main group they live among. In Part II: Partnering, I explained what makes an OG tick and how an OG winds up choosing another Other as her partner, addressing all major variables from unattractiveness to countercultural preferences. And all this explains a bit about OGs on a basic, primitive level. But it all also takes place around high school age, which OGs obviously leave at some point. In Part III I will attempt to show how an OG may find a place for herself and seek friends, family and financial stability outside of normal pathways.

FRIENDS.

The OG was never exactly surrounded by friends in her key development years. And, whilst there are variants, two key reactions to this isolation become evident:

  1. Get as many friends as possible. Throw yourself out there. Embrace your weirdness. It’s not desperate to want to be noticed, liked and spoken to for once. The extrovert option.
  2. People are overrated. You just need one or two close friends. Preferably of the same sex, as men/women are unreliable. Enjoy yourself on your own. The introvert option.

Yes, there are variables. Some extroverts also fall down the path of eliminating one sex from their social life, some introverts are clingy and dependent, some nihilists have many friends and some popular OGs are still awkward about their Otherness. But generally an OG falls into one camp or another.

The issue for all OGs is that main group girls still hate them, or are just plain confused by them. The more status driven the culture, the less solidarity between OGs and MGGs. Which poses some trouble to introverts, as they need one or two close people to function normally, but even more for extroverts, as hostile rejection can eat away at any extrovert, however Other they are.

This means OGs will basically go “social hunting” in areas where other outsiders congregate. Biker bars and metal concerts? Sure, but also libraries, anime conventions, rock bars, tattoo parlours, religious buildings, charities, extreme political groups, squats, gyms, pretty much anywhere a MGG would turn her nose up at. This is for partnering purposes, of course, and an OG will generally gravitate towards the environment that hosts her type of man, be he Main Group or Mad Scientist. But often the partnering drive is subconscious and the girl is simply reaching out for any social contact.

Eventually OGs find each other, or a partner. At which point the introvert and extrovert distinction becomes even stronger. The introvert, having one or two close, reliable, trustworthy, likeable friends will retreat from social hunting. She is done, she has all she needs and she will make no further effort to connect to people. She drops off the face of the planet. The extrovert, however, never has enough. Even if she has a boyfriend or husband, four best friends and a few circles of acquaintances, she will still want to go to her usual haunts to reach out to more and more people and establish a sense of security.

FAMILY.

OGs tend not to like their families. I am unsure why, but my best guess is that the sort of environment that breeds an “abnormal” woman is probably not the sort of environment she wishes to stay in. At the very best she may place blame on her family regardless of evidence to the contrary. At the very worst she comes from a home that literally destroyed her. Whatever the reason, OGs do not like their families.

Confusingly, whereas girls who fall into mainstream cultural patterns who have bad family relations tend to be a bit dangerous to interact with and poor at forming their own families, OGs are hit and miss. Some OGs have a very hard time relating to people and keeping in touch with people. Some OGs are socially normal within their group. Some OGs repeat a bad parenting cycle. Some OGs rebel against it and raise healthy kids.

The only factors that seem to have any bearing on an OG’s future family leanings are surrogacy and replaceability.

  • SURROGACY: Did the OG replace her parents with something, preferably another person, even a role model? How about siblings? Are they present, or replaced? Did she fill in the gap of being a single child by developing close friendships?
  • REPLACEABILITY: Does the OG view people as irreplaceable? Does she hold fast onto her friends and remaining relatives and try and keep them on side? Or does she regularly replace role models and friends?

If she has surrogates for her absentee family and does not replace these surrogates like printer cartridges, then she is probably socially normal, even if she has turned her biological family down.

FINANCE.

OGs can and do find surrogate families, partners and friends later in life, despite school age restrictions. But it is worth noting that the same restrictions that plague an OG during her formative years will come back with a vengeance in the world of work. OGs will gravitate towards job positions that require little sustained interaction. This means any job where interaction with any one person lasts only a few minutes at a time. Introverts may pick jobs that are generally low on interaction, such as animation. Extroverts may pick jobs that are higher on general interaction, such as service sector. But both will try and work with people in the shortest bouts possible. Why? Because the less you talk to people, the less they know about you.

An OG, in work, is forced to deal with coworkers and clients who are almost certainly do not share her subcultural or countercultural leanings. Seeing as many MGGs react to OGs with hostility and many main group men have odd perceptions about them, an OG wants to make interactions short and sweet. The following are all jobs OGs may enjoy:

  • Teacher for older children or adults.
  • Typically male, solitary work, like mechanic or programmer.
  • Art work, such as painter or musician.
  • Accounting, behind the scenes secretarial work.
  • Basic customer service.
  • Warehouse work.
  • Sex work in all its forms.
  • House maintenance, basic housework.
  • Entrepreneurial ventures.
  • “Nerd” work, in areas that are very quiet and male dominated.

And even then, sometimes the pressures of putting on a social front, especially for OGs who have some level of mental disorder (more on that later, but, yes, it is a bigger issue for OGs than main group girls), can get too much. Many OGs aspire to work from home or be a housewife, or will sit back on welfare so as to avoid the daily interactions of work. Not necessarily a good or smart thing to do, but if the daily grind leaves her feeling genuinely unsafe, as though she were in hostile territory, it makes sense.

And that’s it for the basics of an OG’s social life beyond high school. The next section will be on attraction: hobbies, interests, men. Why might OGs be harder to connect with (as a friend or prospective partner) than MGGs, and what can be done to develop some understanding or foster affection if you are not also an OG?

[Author’s note: Before anyone mentions hypocrisy or absolutes, this whole thing is general guidelines, not set in stone. Yes, I disowned my family and keep very few friends. Yes, I view most people as functionarily replaceable. And no, I don’t think that is having an effect on the few relationships where I view the people as irreplaceable. They’re two classes of person to me. But the point is that there are exceptions, I know there are exceptions, and I have to admit that the vast majority of OGs who do not have family surrogates or who treat surrogates as tools will end up doing the same to partners, friends and even their own children. So whilst it bothers me a little that it could change a random stranger’s opinion of me at some point, I would rather have the more accurate information out there. It would be intellectually dishonest to do otherwise so as to make myself feel better.]

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

How To… identify and avoid netsickness.

What is netsickness?

“Netsickness” is a term I am coining to describe the sensation of isolation our new, hyperconnected age gives many of us. The principle is simple:

  • As humans, we are supposed to interact very regularly with people who constitute our tribe. Even the people who lived in isolation would visit the village a couple of times a week and those who always stayed out of everyone’s way were either very low ranking or belonging to a mini-tribe of their own. In other words: whether it was one person or four hundred, we always lived among those we loved.
  • The other situation under which someone would live in isolation was by force. This was where something about you was not accepted by the tribe. Everything from incurable illness to extreme behaviour, from disloyalty to simply being disliked, could be a motive for your people to evict you to the outskirts.
  • Therefore, when we feel much affection for people and talk with them daily, we want to see them often as well. This shows us that we are wanted and liked and makes us feel happy and secure.
  • When the people whom we most love are not near enough to us, we get distressed. To our primitive selves, these are the people who would protect us from danger, cuddle with us when we’re sad, feed us when we cannot feed ourselves, laugh with us over the day’s events. When isolated from them, we get the sensation that we need to get back to them as soon as possible.
  • In essence, being separated from our tribe makes us homesick.

Enter the internet. It used to be the case that we most readily identified with those around us, but now we begin to form opinions and adopt ideologies that do not resemble those of people nearest to us. It also used to be the case that we would most often talk to those around us and nearest to us physically, but now we can spend all day and all night talking to people whom we will never meet. But our brains cannot tell the difference between people online and people in real life. To our brains, as long as they act and talk like people, surely they are people? With the key difference being that people on the internet are people we never meet. We cannot be protected, cuddled, fed or loved by them.

And that makes us homesick. In short, netsickness is homesickness induced by socializing primarily online.

But how do we maintain an ordinary online presence and get in touch with people across the world without making ourselves feel isolated from those we love?

How to detect netsickness.

  1. Do you feel a sensation of wanting to go “home”, without knowing where that is?
  2. Do you feel a constant desire to move, to get away?
  3. Do you find yourself thinking about online friends daily?
  4. Do you find yourself feeling anxious, angry and on edge after an online argument?
  5. Do you find yourself associating with online and in person friends on the same platform?

If you answered “yes” to all the above, you are suffering netsickness. You have allowed your online relationships to become connected to your in person ones and as a consequence you want to go out and meet up with your online friends.

How to prevent and cure netsickness.

1: Isolate platforms.

Separate where you talk to online friends and associates from where you talk to in person friends and associates. Also separate the places where you debate from the places where you interact in a friendly manner, maybe even create accounts for each type of interaction.

For example, as it stands for me:

Facebook, email and linkedin are primarily where I associate with people I actually know.

WordPress and twitter are primarily where I associate with people I like.

Reddit is primarily where I debate.

By keeping them all mostly separate, I reinforce a sense of real life versus the internet, and create an environment where I am comfortable versus one where I welcome abrasive conflict.

2: Restrict online time.

Sometimes the issue is simply one of time dedication. When we spend so much time on the internet we might start to feel as though this is where our lives take place, especially if we are dedicated to one or two sites.

In order to prevent this, consider the following measures:

  • Permanently block websites where you waste vast amounts of time unproductively, or getting wound up.
  • Add a time limit using a tool such as leechblocker onto each individual social site, so that you do not spend too much time on one particular one.
  • Make a point of splitting up time online with real life. Log off every hour and go for a walk, do some chores or just focus on writing and other work.

If you make a point to not live online, then you are less likely to feel bonded to people you do not actually know.

3: Make time for people.

In the same vein, try and make time for people you know in real life. When you put the internet before friends and family you can end up growing isolated from both groups, resulting in a genuine loss of belonging.

The time required with people varies from individual to individual, but in my case it looks like this:

  • See Jon daily, preferably for most of the day, even if we do not speak.
  • See at least one other person, but no more than three.
  • Once to four times a week see someone other than Jon, for reasons other than work.
  • See specific individuals every 3-6 months.
  • Have the odd day where there is no contact but Jon.

When I do that, I feel like ties are maintained, I feel sociable but not tired from excessive socialization.

4: Meet up.

We will always meet one or two people online whom we connect with on such a basic, natural level that regardless of intermittency of contact and an active social life, we will want to spend time with or around them. This will always result in a sense of longing, as these people have become like our own blood relatives, just because of our shared personalities, matching interests and compatible opinions.

So when all else fails: meet. This does not have to be a physical meeting, but merely breeching the barriers of the internet and reality. Seeing as these people have already become a priority to us, it would be worth our while to add them to our friends on facebook, our email contacts or our skype.

And that is the matter of netsickness, laid out.

Have you ever been netsick? How did you deal with it?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

How To… temper your temper.

As of late I’ve been a bit grumpy. I know it’s mostly hormonal, but am currently unsure whether it’s a result of changing my usual mood stabilizers (coffee and fish-based omega supplements), a result of trying for a baby or that I am actually pregnant.

But a temper, however random and hormonal, is a vile thing to control. So here is how I have been trying to keep my usual disposition despite everything annoying me for no reason at all.

1: Do not play the blame game.

Whether the anger is justified or unjustified, don’t spend all your time looking for things to blame and problems that are making you angry.

Recognize the sources of your anger. Recognize their validity. But try and surpass them, rather than let them annoy you more.

Example: The dog has trodden mud in the carpet after a walk with your friend. You feel the dog is useless and annoying. You feel your friend could have controlled the dog better, or cleaned up after it.

Solution: Acknowledge that it’s done now and trying to put the blame on someone does not fix the issue, it just creates more bad feelings.

2: Keep your mouth shut.

Whether the anger is justified or unjustified, unless the situation is actively dangerous don’t bring up anger when you’re still angry. Sit it out, work on it in your head and then, when you’re cooled off, see if it’s worth mentioning. More often than not, once the anger has faded back, you will feel it wasn’t worth having an argument about.

Example: You want to shout at your friend for letting the dog into the house.

Solution: Rather than alienate your friend, ask them to help you clean and do not mention that you blame them,

3: Write up a schedule.

Sometimes we get angry because we are just generally stressed and overworked and one little thing out of place can ruin our whole day. Rather than let this happen repeatedly, write a schedule that leaves a bit of room between tasks so that you have time to handle mishaps.

Example: Your friend usually visits on a Wednesday at 12 and lets the dog out in the garden.

Solution: Make sure to be free on Wednesdays from 11.50 to 12.30 so you can clean the dog before it gets inside.

4: Do something creative and relaxing.

Again, sometimes we’re just doing far, far, far too much and need some time to unwind. Humans aren’t meant to just work all day. We need some down time. And what better time for down time than when we are sitting around seething?

Doing something creative calms the stressed part of our brain and is an outlet for anger and sadness.

Example: The carpet looks damaged beyond repair. Now you start thinking about the cost of getting a new one and feel even more stressed.

Solution: Sit down for a bit with a cup of tea and some knitting, a book or some pencils and paper. At first keep the problem out of your mind, but as you relax, slowly let it in and seek a solution.

5: Look for the brightness.

There is a silver lining to every cloud, or so the saying goes. When you are in a bad place it can be hard to see the bright side, especially when it looks like the situation has no upsides at all. But it’s important to consider what the situation could be.

Is there another side effect that has provided an upside? This means there is a silver lining.

Could the situation have been much worse? This means you are doing well compared to what could have been.

Did the situation result from a generally positive thing? This means it is a small price to pay.

Examples:

If you absolutely have to change the carpet, you get to pick a new carpet for your room and reconsider the decor to make it nice. Silver lining.

The carpet was already old and stained, so it doesn’t make any difference, it can stay that way. The scenario is not so bad.

Your friend is a human and humans make mistakes. A stained carpet is a small price to pay for a friend.

And that is how I am managing my annoyance lately. I’m hoping this will pass on its own, or that I will find a way of managing my moods again, seeing as being constantly annoyed isn’t good for your mental health. But at least I am not letting it hurt those close to me or upset my life.

How do you manage irregular moods or anger?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

Valentine’s Day Sweet-Hearts.

Well, my attempt at returning to blogging is still a bit weak, so I have written up a new schedule and designated myself a weekly blogging day. That means a few things will be in arrears, but at least I’ll get on with everything.

Sweet Hearts Jam Tarts Easy Recipe

As a little thank-you for returning to read the blog, here is a simple recipe from my pantry, perfect to make for your sweetheart, to give your kids or for them to give their classmates, to jazz up a work space, to make together with your partner or just to eat because you’re a daft romantic who doesn’t care whether or not there’s anyone free to share them with because Valentine’s day is adorable.

Ingredients:

  • 500g strong flour
  • 200g salted butter
  • 5tbsp sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1tsp cinnamon
  • 1tsp nutmeg
  • pinch cloves
  • pinch cayenne pepper
  • 200-300g of any kind of jam (I used homemade damson and homemade raspberry jam from foraged fruits, because I’m a hippie little weirdo with too much time, but, seriously, anything is fine, you could even use chocolate icing instead)

Utensils:

  • mixing bowl
  • rolling pin
  • heart-shaped cookie cutters or a bit of patience and ingenuity
  • teaspoon
  • greased or nonstick baking trays

Recipe:

  1. Mix the flour and spices together.
  2. Add the eggs.
  3. Add the butter. Mix very well.
  4. Add water as you fold until the dough is smooth, elastic and only a touch sticky.
  5. Leave to rest.
  6. Preheat the oven to 160C.
  7. Dust your worktop and rolling pin with flour. Roll out the dough to 1-2cm thick.
  8. Cut some hearts and lay them on the trays.
  9. Use the teaspoon to make a little bowl in each bow of each heart. Just press down a bit for an indent.
  10. Add just enough jam to fill each bowl.
  11. Repeat until all the dough is used.
  12. Put in the oven for around 20min, or until the Sweet Hearts are browned, still a bit tender, but hold firm when you lift them.
  13. Cool.
  14. Eat.

TTFN and Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.