Love is a Limited Resource.

It seems to be assumed by many that because we can feel love infinitely, we can also give love infinitely. In principle, the idea that love (the feeling) is infinite is not all that harmful. But love is not a feeling. Love is a verb, an action. You can claim to love someone even when you do not support it with your actions, and everyone will agree that is not love. Therefore, in reality, love is the act of loving, not the act of feeling love. And the act of loving is a limited resource.

This is evidenced by people who claim to love infinitely.

Parents of many children claim to love every child, but eventually hit a point where their children are suffering the compression of their homes and their days.

Radical vegans claim to love all animals and to wish harm on none, but will cause another human vast amounts of pain for not agreeing with them.

Animal hoarders claim to love every animal they own whilst simultaneously making all of them ill and even killing some of them.

Polygamous people claim to love many sexual and romantic partners “the same”, but will readily reduce their exposure to all their partners to accommodate a new love.

Hippie types claim to love all people, but will distance themselves from people who are violent, the very people who would most benefit from their world view.

Humans simply cannot love infinitely. Our love is a limited resource. Why? Because the ways in which we show love are physically restricted.

Time.

Our time is limited. If we have six hours a day to dedicate to socializing, then every person we add to that list reduces our ability to socialize with the others. There is a reason we value having a few close friends over hundreds of distant ones. It is simply easier to love and be loved by someone you see and talk to for an hour a day than by someone you see and talk to for an hour a month.

Resources.

We show our love also by sharing resources with others. Whether it’s taking someone out for a fancy meal or simply feeding our children the bare basics they need to survive, the more mouths we add to our list to feed, the less we can feed each of them. Whatever you offer someone as a token of love, every person you add breaks it in half.

Energy.

And we also only have so much energy to invest in people. Maybe we do have six hours a day to dedicate to socializing. But that also involves the energy expense of moving to see people, engaging in actions and, for introverts, just putting on our social faces. The more people you deal with, the less energy you have to deal with each of them. So you could theoretically throw a party every night and socialize with a hundred and fifty people per night. But it will drain you.

Quite simply, we have so much to give. And we need to be aware of that. Otherwise we end up in a family of fifty with nothing to eat, or hurting a friend to prove we love an animal, or adopting three cats into a deadly environment, or seeing our partners rarely to keep face with other partners, or pushing away people who need our help to encourage good feels.

Our resources are limited. We cannot love everyone. Instead, we need to allocate some of our love to everyone of value in our lives and prioritize who gets the most of what we have to give. Otherwise we end up with nothing left to give and nobody to give it to.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.
Advertisements

Friends, Friendly and Friend-Zones.

Or “getting the job you want”.

The topic of friend-zones, or when a person (usually male) believes that they can build their way up from friendship into a relationship with another person (usually female) is always a bit of a hot topic. The core of the matter is that no matter how much people say it’s not a clever idea, so many others will still try it once, twice, a thousand times. And sometimes it will work. Sometimes a friendship really does develop into a long-lasting, meaningful or at least sexual relationship. Which feeds the millions where it doesn’t.

So, in an effort to shine some light on the actual interactions taking place, allow me to use an analogy: your life is a company. You are not usually the CEO of your company, but most people are pretty high up in management. Therefore most people you have relationships with, from acquaintances to husbands and wives, will end up being below you: your employees. We generally have a good handle of this and whenever someone tries to move into our lives we will evaluate  how good they are for the job before letting them in at one level or another, or cutting them out.

However, the same works in reverse. You are an employee in the life of everyone you have a relationship with. Which we’re not so good at working with. Everyone you still interact with, from your best friend to your coworker to your ex to your sister are all employing you in their lives and they have placed you in a certain job. Oftentimes we get no choice in this job, especially in work, friendships and family. There is very little that can be done to change your role short of quitting the job: cutting ties.

This is all well and good when it comes to forced socialization such as work and family or spontaneous relationships like friendships. But it’s dreadful when it comes to planned relationships. Which is why it’s a terrible option for trying to establish a romantic connection.

You see, on the “jobs” scale for non-relatives, we have several positions:

ENTRY LEVEL:

Colleague.

Acquaintance.

Helpful person.

NOVICE LEVEL.

Friend.

Close friend.

No-strings.

SOME EXPERIENCE OR QUALIFICATIONS.

Best friend.

Friend with benefits.

Multiple partner.

SOME EXPERIENCE AND QUALIFICATIONS.

Long term relationship.

A LOT OF EXPERIENCE AND SOME QUALIFICATIONS OR VICE VERSA OR MORE.

Live-in partner.

Marriage partner.

Each step up requires an increase in “salary” provided by the other person. The salary? Their time, money, trust, attention and exclusivity. And you might notice that there is a massive jump from a helpful person to a friend or a multiple partner to a long term relationship. There are some very large gaps between these job positions in terms of how much the other person invests in you.

Which is why so many people stay in the friend-zone. You see, when you try and worm your way into someone’s heart by being helpful or friendly, you are putting in your resume for a job you don’t want. Then, when you get that job there is a lot of work you have to do to catch up. It would have been wiser to alter your resume to try and sound like a good prospect for a higher rank, at the very least a best friend or a no-strings, which has a smaller jump into romantic relationship territory.

Imagine there are 10 job positions in a company. X= job.

XXXXXXXXXX

You qualify for 4 of them, but would accept 2 and in particular want 1. R=rejection, N=no, M=maybe, Y=yes.

60% RRRRRR, 20% NN, 10% M, 10% Y

If you go to the interviews for the 6 you don’t qualify for you’ll be insta-rejected. R= rejection.

100% RRRRRR

If you go to the 2 you qualify for but don’t want, you could end up in them, which means you weren’t rejected, but you didn’t get what you want. NA= no, accepted; NR= no, rejected.

50% NA, 50% NR

If you go for the 2 you qualify for and would accept you’re placing a bet: either you get the one you really wanted, you get the one you’re comfortable with or you get rejected. M= maybe, Y = yes.

50% M, 50% Y

If you go for the 1 you really want, you either get it or get rejected. R= rejected, Y= yes.

50% R, 50% Y

When you go for friendship, you’re choosing to enter the company of them in a role you don’t really want, but where you know you won’t be rejected outright.  Thing is, not being rejected doesn’t mean being accepted. And not being rejected isn’t a foolproof way to climb to the job position you want. Maybe they will let you. But it’s far more likely that the position you really wanted, that Y, has been taken before you get there, that you would never qualify for it or that there is no internal promotion in their company.

There is no surefire way to make your decision. After all, it’s your time and investment, but avoid these mistakes:

1: Applying for a job you don’t want, but know you’ll get, and hope for promotion.

2: Applying for a job you want, but know you won’t get and wasting your time.

3: Applying for too many jobs and coming across as strange and desperate.

4: Applying for various options when you would only really be happy with one.

5: Accepting a demotion and continuing the relationship.

If you don’t avoid these and you end up stuck in a job you didn’t want watching some other person getting the job you wanted, then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

How To… sell yourself like coffee?!

We’ve all heard that you need to sell yourself. To employers, friends, universities, partners… everyone, really. The fact of the matter is that everyone wants to exchange with you. Your employer wants to exchange money for your skills and time. Your friends want to exchange their time for yours. Universities want to exchange an education for your money and rating. Partners want to exchange your time and body for their time and body.

But many people have a hard time selling themselves properly to anyone. So here is how to sell yourself, in coffee terms.

1: You are in control of the market price.

Let’s say you’ve just opened your coffee shop. Sure, demand and customers are the most important things. But coffee is always in demand and this is an area with high footfall. So you set the price, not anyone else. You can set the price wherever you like, really. Is it too high or too low? We don’t know yet. But it’s in your hands, nobody else’s.

2: Observe other sellers, but don’t copy.

Watch what they do. What sort of coffee are they selling? Is it good coffee? Is the price reasonable? Do they get many customers? Do they cover their rent? How much coffee do they sell?

Don’t copy what they do, just watch and take note.

3: Stand out.

You want to be different to the other sellers. Most people think the only way of doing this is lowering the price, but this isn’t true. You can sell better coffee, sell different coffee, sell it with a gimmick, try and be friendly to your customers. You can stand out from the other coffee shops in many ways and each way will attract a different type of customer.

4: Set your prices.

Now’s the time to decide what your price will be. Your price has no upper or lower limit. But if you price your coffee too low you won’t be able to pay for your shop or new stock and if you price your coffee too high then you may go a long time without customers. You can choose to sell highly exclusive or accessible coffee, but know your customers.

5: Advertise well.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re selling accessible or exclusive coffee, what sort of coffee you’re selling or how you’re standing out, if you don’t advertise well, then nobody will know it’s there. Advertising well isn’t really about advertising widely. For very little money you could probably drop fliers for your coffee shop all over a Chinese city, but unless your shop is in that city you won’t be reaching your target market. Think of your target market, their habits, where they congregate and advertise wisely. Make sure the advertisement is in the right place, catches the target market’s eyes and tells them what sort of coffee they will find at the coffee shop.

6: Freebies and sneak peeks.

It’s fine to offer free coffees or snacks, sneak peaks and events from time to time if you aren’t quite reaching your target market. But don’t offer too much for free too often.

If you offer a lifetime supply of coffee then you can’t offer it to just anyone or to a regular customer, or else you won’t get paid for your coffee and the gimmick won’t work. If you offer free coffee to just anyone then word will get out that there’s free coffee and people will feel cheated when they have to pay.

Some people may offer a lot of free coffee, but their business practices shouldn’t dictate yours. They will eventually shut down or lower the quality of their coffee to keep up with demand. Don’t try and set your price lower than everyone else’s, rather, offer a few exclusive freebies or sneak peeks to customers in a way that will advertise your coffee shop well and attract the right sort of clientele.

7: Wait it out.

If you want a certain type of customer and have done all the above, be patient. They will eventually come to you when you’re doing everything right. On the other hand, if you change your mind about the target market quickly and often, you might lose a lot of customers who would have stayed around and wind up selling a type of coffee you don’t like at an unreasonable price to a clientele you didn’t want. Instead, keep advertising to the right clientele, keep making coffee and wait until the clientele shows up.

And that’s how you sell coffee. Or how you sell yourself to employers, friends and partners.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!