Men are risk takers, women are risk averse.

It’s generally quite accepted, even among the most ardent egalitarians, that men are risk takers and women are risk averse. It plays out everywhere, from women not asking for promotions right down to teenage boys dying more regularly from stunts gone wrong. There are all sorts of explanations as to how this comes about: hormone profiles, socialization, neural pathways and rewards. But there is an obvious reason why these behaviours are selected for, and knowing it benefits men women alike.

Make take the risks in society. They do this to surpass other men. Whether they’re starting their own business or doing a backflip off a tree into a pool, men want to become better than other men and be seen doing it. This is generally positioned by women as men wanting to show off and get social points. But the reality runs deeper.

The reason why men “peacock” like this, rather than by dressing in bright clothes or singing as they walk down the street, is because humans are brainy, social animals. And taking risks advances society. Why does the guy who starts his own business get rewarded with wealth and status? Because he provides a necessary service, a tribal environment, a product, employment, etc. He is actively creating wealth. Why does the guy who backflips off the tree get attention and praise? Because he is illustrating his physical prowess and confidence in his body, two valuable genetic traits. Both men are adding something of value to the world they live in, actively or passively.

The major disadvantage to this behaviour is quite obvious: death, resource depletion, ostracization, general failure. When a man takes a risk and it backfires, at best he is humiliated, at worst he is dead. A society of inefficient risk takers is a dead society. Therefore, as men mature and see the downsides of risks, their own risks become more calculated, preserving the older, more skilled men of the tribe to pass their wisdom down and ensure greater survival of the next generation.

On the other hand, women are naturally incredibly risk averse. We do this to survive. Women are the weaker sex, a necessity for the raising of children and socially dependent. We are unlikely to take any risks, even in our reckless teen years. Generally, men assume this is due to frailty or cowardice.

The reasons women avoid risks are also due to our brainy, social nature. Our babies need a very long time being protected and fed to grow their big brains and learn how to be adults. They need our care and attention. Possibly as a luxury given to us by men, possibly to encourage men to treat us kindly, we have got weaker from our primitive days and our bodies are gradually better and better adapted for nurturing, feeding and caring in general. This is not a flaw: by raising smart, healthy children in a safe environment we also add value to the world we live in.

The major disadvantage to this is less obvious, but is there: women’s low risk taking is a net loss. Look at how many great male inventors, leaders and artists there have been through history. Or, if you doubt the veracity of history, look at the great male explorers, inventors and investors, the risk takers of our generation. Imagine if the number of great women equalled that. Society would speed along over twice as fast from the sheer levels of innovation.

So men take risks, which is good because it pushes society forwards and bad because it endagers their lives and tribes. And women do not take risks, which is good because it provides care and safety and bad because it limits the progress of human society.

And therein lies a key compatibility.

Men’s strength lies in their ability to make calculated risks.

Women’s strength lies in our ability to accept calculated risks.

Any internal restriction on a man’s risk taking is a negative. If men always stopped at the safe line then society’s progress would be slow and staggered. But if men never knew when to stop or give in, or never paused for thought, then most men would be dead. Enter women: from his mother’s overbearing eyes during his childhood, to his scaredy cat girlfriends in his teens and twenties, to his wary wife in his thirties onwards, men have benefitted from the slightly paranoid voice of risk aversion. They will brush it off and often take the risk anyway, but always with a steadier foot, a more careful eye or an extra protective measure.

Any amount of spontaneous risk taking in women is also a negative. If women always toed the line of danger then society would be many mothers and babies short, drawing our growth to a halt. But if women never permitted a risk to be taken, then men would either become too weak to bring progress or exit society as a whole (reminds me of something, that…). Enter men: by making calculated risks and undertaking dangerous work on her behalf, the men in a woman’s life show her that risks can be taken in a relatively safe manner. Women will brush it off and still hide from danger, but always with a greater sense of security, that we can rely on men and trust their reason.

In a relationship, any relationship, be it parent-child, teacher-student, romantic, brother-sister or even work, we can make these facts play to our and everyone’s advantages.

Men:

  1. Take whatever risks you need to.
  2. Listen to women’s paranoias.
  3. Pause and assess which fears stem from a natural perspective.
  4. Ease her fears whenever possible.
  5. Take the risks she ought to take when her fear holds her back…
  6. …or at least make her feel safe and supported as she takes the risk herself.

Women:

  1. Make sure your life is safely guarded against unnecessary risks.
  2. Observe men’s risk taking.
  3. Urge caution and try and phrase advice so they will understand.
  4. Accept when he is going to do it anyway.
  5. Do not be afraid to demand comfort or exclusion from an activity if the risk bothers you.
  6. Reward successful risks, and do not blame or nag when the reward falls short.

After all, we want neither a society where women throw themselves blindly screaming into activities that terrify them, or feel pressured to take big risks to “look mature”, nor a society where men pussyfoot around their troubles and choke back the risks they want to take for fear of female retribution. We want a society where women calculate risks and men take them, with both considering the other’s perspective.

We are not broken, unequivalent or stupid. We do not need to be fixed. We are two perfectly compatible sexes and our roles serve a distinct purpose.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.
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5 Places I AWALT challenge.

Because a little introspection goes a long way. I am more often one to point out where women “in general” fall short or to excuse myself where I am the exception. But some accountability needs to be taken regarding my more common traits, after all, I’m a blogger, not a saint, and only human, only female. Here are five examples that are neither exaggerations, nor the be-all-and-end-all of my AWALTing.

1: Mirror mirror…

I am vain. Unbelievably vain. Possibly unnaturally vain. Just because I wear makeup rarely and am happy to get covered in dirt, being the tomboy I am, doesn’t mean I’m not vain. I still look in every shiny surface I can, whenever I have a second. I still untag myself in unflattering photos, to the point where I can hardly find a single picture from when I was fat. I still obsess over my body, checking it again and again for imperfections that have reduced, increased, appeared or disappeared. I believe I am quite high on the attractiveness scale, but enough is never enough and I aim to be perfect.

2: Babies at any cost.

Although I know, on a conscious level, that Jon and I have a plan and we’re sticking to it for practical reasons, I still get impulses and strange thoughts about impregnation, pregnancy and babies. I wouldn’t act on them, but the idea of getting pregnant is a thrill for me and the thought of a broken condom or even forgetting to use one is exciting. When the urge passes, I’m actually grateful that I resisted it, but the drive to breed is very, very strong.

3: Rough is fun.

Sure, sometimes gentleness is nice. And I often enjoy being the giver of roughness as much as the receiver. But I prefer when Jon is a bit aggressive and dominant. It’s much more fun that way. I love watching him lift weights, the smell of his sweat when he’s been working out and seeing how huge his hands are compared to mine. Even on a nonsexual level, these things are pleasant, exciting and relaxing at once.

4: His money or my money?

Just because I am savings-obsessed doesn’t mean I don’t start, in my mind, labeling his resources as “technically mine”. It just manifests differently. I won’t demand that he buy me things, instead I will aim to see him spend as little as possible. I thought I had it worked out at first: I let him buy what he wants for himself and don’t ask him for anything, so that’s about right, yes? Then I realized that I still try and control. I try and stop him from getting me things, to reduce expenses. I insist I don’t want something or need something that he wants to get me, however cheap or useful it would be. It’s taken a bit of effort, but I’m trying to let that side of myself go a little more. It’s his money and it’s up to him to decide whether or not he’s getting me an expensive jar of coffee or some flowers. I don’t make that decision: it’s not my money.

5: Nesting.

Thankfully Jon doesn’t see this as a bad thing, but my nesting drive is immense. Again, like with vanity and resources, just because it manifests differently doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I may still be a tomboy and arrange our favourite films in a display or leave his childhood trinkets on the mantlepiece or TV stand, but I need to make things comfortable, pleasing to the eye and tidy, tidy, tidy. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me as much. But other times the urge to nest hits and all of a sudden everything is wrong and I start stressing about hoovering, mopping, wiping down and sorting everything. Which must get a bit tedious, but I genuinely can’t relax until I’m done.

And those are five ways in which I AWALT, five aspects of me (and not the only five) that are pretty much standard female behaviour and mentality. Behaviour and mentality that many men find tedious and annoying. I’m grateful that Jon either doesn’t mind or enjoys these traits because some of them are quite firmly rooted too!

Extending the challenge to any more RP readers. What are five ways in which you AWALT? Do you work with them, fight them or work around them?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

Cat People and Dog People.

Cat Person: I just don’t know how you do it, putting up with all that bouncing and walking and noise. Dogs are just so… boistrous.

Dog Person: Now, I don’t think you’re being fair. Dogs can be energetic, but many dogs are also calm, peaceful animals.

CP: But they all still need walks and exercise. Dogs were literally bred to be dragged around doing work. If they aren’t they get badly behaved.

DP: Not all dogs are quite that energetic.

CP: But you DO need to walk your dog, right?

DP: Yes, but the rest of the time she’s very quiet and well behaved. A walk is hardly boistrous.

CP: Look, a dog will never compare to a cat in terms of peacefulness. My cat gets let out in the morning, goes and hunts around a little, then comes home and sleeps.

DP: That’s not less energetic, that’s just an animal that sleeps eighteen hours a day and doesn’t want you in its life. I prefer a creature that wants to have fun with me.

CP: But dogs are just so NEEDY. They just want more, more, more. And they take it personally when you don’t have the time or energy for them.

DP: But that’s what makes them great. They’re there, they’re your buddies, they’re willing to go the extra mile to save you and protect you.

CP: Because it’s in their genes! Dogs care about you because they had to to survive. They’re just mindlessly doing what they were programmed to, or they would have died out. Cats on the other hand are independent, when they save someone it’s actually virtuous.

DP: Virtuous? Most cats are entirely useless. Dogs have been by our sides for thousands of years and have been herders, hunters, searchers, they’re even finding more uses for them, like cancer dogs. What have cats done? Catch rodents.

CP: But humans were just fine without dogs. Sure, they helped, but we would have managed. Without cats all our harvests would have gone to rodents and we would have been overridden by disease.

DP: Without cats we would have trained dogs to catch rats… oh look we did!

CP: But you have to feed and train and exercise that dog. What a waste of time and money! You just got a cat, back in the day, and let it out to hunt for you.

DP: Yeah, and then it would run away because it doesn’t need you and you’d have to get another cat.

CP: Would still cost less than a dog. And what’s wrong with an animal having some independence? You just want something to control and manipulate. I pity whoever you date.

DP: You just want to excuse your lack of empathy and responsibility. I pity your children.

 

Isn’t it daft how we keep trying to persuade each other that cats make a better dog and dogs make a better cat?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

Shame and Reframe to Maintain Social Order.

This one was requested a while ago by asdgamer and, having given it some thought, this is my opinion as to how and why the common “shame and reframe” debate tactic became such an important element to female debate arsenal.

Shame and reframe (S&R), as a tactic, is composed of two parts. There is the shaming element, which involves taking another person’s viewpoint, character or even their debate tactic and trying to make them sound bad. There is no substance to shaming, it is simply the act of saying “bad, bad person” until they are ashamed enough to withdraw their comment or rephrase the argument.

The reframing argument involves taking an actual question or topic and avoiding it by bringing up another one. Common forms involve answering a question with a question, turning the question on the person asking it or creating a false simile to work from.

S&R allows someone who is in an uncomfortable position to avoid explicitly stating a controversial opinion, agreeing openly with their debate rival or accepting a flaw in their logic.

For example, in a parenting group a mother may say: “I believe infants and mothers should be together until an age when the child would have naturally weaned, say, a year or two years.”

Most of the other mothers disagree. They think that the advantages of extra work and resources outweigh the disadvantages of missing out on that early bonding. The logical response would be to simply say this.

But then feelings get in the way. The feel bad about not spending more time with their kids. They feel offended that someone might consider them worse mothers. They feel judged and persecuted.

So instead of responding rationally and giving “the enemy” more ammunition, they S&R.

“You only say that because you’re a stay at home mother.”

“If you got your degree, you would be out here earning money with us.”

“Fathers don’t spend that time with kids, why should we have to?”

“Weaning can happen at any age now.”

“It’s rude to imply all mothers can breastfeed.”

What have they done? Well, instead of addressing her actual point they try and make her ashamed. They use her lifestyle (stay at home mother), education (if you got your degree) and even twist her words (imply all mothers can breastfeed) to make her embarrassed, so that she takes back her words and doesn’t upset them any more. Instead of admitting they put resources before bonding, they reframe the argument. They use false similes (fathers), diversions (its rude to…) and technicalities (weaning can happen at any age now) to direct the argument away from the issue the first mother raised.

In debate, this is a pretty awful tactic. Nobody would ever reach consensus, work out theories or convert nonbelievers if we all debated like this. Life would be stagnant.

But as an evolutionary adaptation, S&R is actually very useful and protects the integrity of the group.

You see, when that mother was shamed, it was expected that she would take back what she said. Why? So that the majority opinion can win. The majority state that work is favourable over bonding, therefore, if the minority converted the majority, an entire way of life would be thrown out. She needs to understand that she is the minority, the outcast, and cannot overthrow the majority opinion. A majority cannot be shamed like this. It doesn’t work on them. But a minority will often take back their statement when shamed. This is the most basic form of democracy.

Reframing takes the debate away from a topic that the majority wish to avoid. In essence, by reframing the majority are stating that this topic is taboo. In any social group, a taboo enforced by a majority is a cornerstone for social order. In this case, the taboo is the feelings of the mothers. Naturally, biologically, they wish to be with their children. Yet on a logical level, they feel that working for resources is the best option. If they wish to continue working for resources with which to feed their children, they must avoid all discussion on the biological reality of motherhood.

In short S&R stagnates and kills debate because that’s what it’s meant to do. S&R enforces the status quo and defends the right of the majority (democracy) and the cultural norms of the society (taboos), keeping the group operating the way that has benefited them until now.

However ineffective it is for philosophical, theological, sociological or political debate, S&R persists because it’s one of the best ways of creating and maintaining order.

And that is my analysis of shaming and reframing.

Anyone have anything to add?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

7 Reasons You Should Just Tell Him.

Women are often cryptic in how we speak. Even a relatively masculine woman like myself can say something in “girl code”, brush a matter aside or drop a flimsy hint. And it will happen from time to time regardless of our efforts.

That said, we also often speak cryptically when we know we’re doing it and when we can prevent it. And here are six reasons why we shouldn’t.

1: He can’t read your mind.

Here’s the thing: men aren’t telepathic. They don’t have a wire that taps right into our brains.

Yes, humans engage in nonverbal communication. But male and female nonverbal communication is a little different and, even if it wasn’t, why are you relying on someone guessing every element about you? You wouldn’t ask an interviewer to guess why you want the role, so why would you expect your husband or boyfriend to guess where you want to go for dinner?

2: But he knows something is wrong.

Although nonverbal communication is different for men and women, one thing we absolutely share is the ability to detect distress, pain, anger and fear in others. Even psychopaths, who otherwise lack natural empathy, have this ability. We need it to survive.

So don’t assume that just because you haven’t said your head hurts or you’re angry, he won’t know. He will know and dismissing it doesn’t work.

3: He wants to help.

If he loves you and can sense that you are in any way distressed or upset, he wants to fix that. He wants to be your hero and beat up all the bad guys. So when you don’t tell him who or what is hurting you, he worries and could go into overdrive trying to fix your life until you’re happy.

4: He wants to know if he can’t help.

Sometimes there’s nothing he can do. Maybe you’re going through a period of existential depression, you hurt your foot or work is just very stressful lately. Guess what? He still knows you’re unhappy and he still wants to help. At least let him know when there’s something wrong and when you don’t want or need any help he can offer.

5: Stress builds up over unspoken matters.

Again, just because he knows you’re upset doesn’t mean he can read your mind and guess why you’re upset or who you’re upset at. He could decide that you’re angry at him, or feeling hurt by something he did. If you don’t say why you’re upset and he doesn’t confirm that he is or isn’t the source of the problem, then tension and stress may build between you.

6: Shared experiences are bonding experiences.

On the flipside, living life for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, together at all times, can really bring you together. By sharing your hardships and your pain you’re opening a very vulnerable part of yourself to him. Perhaps he will reciprocate and show his vulnerability and ask for your help. Perhaps he will strive to make your life easier until you’re back on track. Or perhaps it will just put his mind at ease about your suffering. However it works out, you will be drawn closer by sharing rather than hiding.

7: Honesty leads to better results.

Finally, we need to kill our expectations and selfishness in relationships, but that doesn’t mean we want nothing from them. After all, relationships are transactional. What does he do when he wants you to grab his coat, make him dinner, answer the door, get him something specific for his birthday or listen to him? He asks you. That way he either gets what he wants or gets a (hopefully good) reason for your not doing it. You need to try and do the same. Think he’s letting himself go? Say so before it gets out of hand. Want him to pass the salt? Ask. Have a specific idea of what you want for your birthday? Tell him what it is.

The worst he can do is say no.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

What situations have you been in or seen where noncommunication caused a problem? And where communication prevented a problem? I’d love to hear some anecdotes on the matter! 🙂

How To… female dread.

There is a concept in the PUA and Red Pill communities called “dread”. The basic idea is to do just enough to make a woman “dread” leaving you. Maybe she’s losing appreciation and he’s showing her how valuable he is. Or maybe she’s losing focus and he moves quickly out of her life to show he’s mobile. Or maybe she thinks he’s locked down and he’s illustrating that he is not focused only on her. To many women these behaviours may seem cruel. And oftentimes they feel cruel or even are cruel. But they are also natural and often necessary to give a man leverage in his relationship/s.

Likewise, if you are a man reading this, take this post calmly as, however cruel it may seem to you, these are natural ways a woman can ensure her man is focused on her.

1: Accept that you are living, breathing dread.

As a woman you are automatically a desirable partner, to some degree, to every heterosexual man on the planet. Quite simply put, in evolutionary terms one man is enough for hundreds of women to reproduce, but hundreds of men and one woman does not a tribe make. So we have evolved to place a base level of automatic value on a womb.

This means that whilst men need to work to remind a woman that they are valuable, most women are automatically valuable to most men. He is probably already afraid that you are too valuable for him, that you have options and that you can leave.

2: Do not threaten or corner him.

Threats are superflous as male relationship anxiety is internal. Dread on females is external because our romantic choices are external. Allow me to explain.

As women inherently have value, a man’s selection criteria are purely based on his own sexual and emotional desires. Who he wants to reproduce with is an internal process. It doesn’t matter if every man in his tribe wants woman X, if he is wired to fancy woman Y, he will fancy her. And, as long as both are fertile, it doesn’t matter that he chooses Y. Over the years, men have developed some shared preferences (hourglass figures, squishy thighs and buttocks, young face) and some personal preferences (red hair, long toes, shorter figure). But all these preferences are an inbuilt mechanism.

But as men do not inherently have value, women need to select men based on their added value, their external value. In one tribe, they may subsist on fish and need many fishermen. The women who select the best fishermen as partners bring more children to adulthood and their children also do better in life. But if a hundred years later the tribe finds masses of rabbit warrens, that generation of women needs to find the best rabbit hunters. Our desire has some internal basis, but, in principle, we desire partners based on external factors.

Therefore, when a man threatens with leaving or corners a woman emotionally, he is showing off. He is showing that he has external value that makes him better than the next guy. You know, in case she was thinking of leaving. He is basically saying “I can leave, I have options, don’t think you can crawl back to me when you make a bad decision”.

But the same doesn’t work for the woman. Because a man knows his woman has options. By virtue of existing, however apparently infertile she is, there will be someone who wants her. Because her value is internal to the man observing her.

By threatening, a woman isn’t saying “I have options”, he already knows she does. She is saying “I am taking another option”. Therefore, threats and cornering won’t just make a man closer to you, they could trigger extreme jealousy, anger or even make him give up, because you’ve clearly found someone better.

3: Do not withhold or control resources.

Another way a man can employ dread is by limiting a woman’s access to resources. If he is the main breadwinner, his status is greater than hers, he gets free perks or he is her only source of sex, then withholding these things sends home a message. It reminds her of everything she would lose were she to stray, that she is not entitled to anything he offers and that he is willing and capable of removing it at a moment’s notice.

Women rarely have the upper hand in terms of resources because, by our very nature, we usually get those resources from men. Even when a woman has her own resources, sex, food and status are easily attainable to many men. Men can even do with very little or without some resources, if that means they have more freedom and opportunities.

When a man withholds sex, a woman either must leave or win him back. When a woman withholds sex, a man starts looking elsewhere.

When a man withholds money, a woman must either leave or win him back. When a woman withholds money, a man starts making his own.

When a man withholds status, a woman must either leave or win him back. When a woman withholds status, a man would rather go without.

Whatever you take away from him physically, he will either do without or find elsewhere. By putting up that barrier you are encouraging him to turn away, not to climb it.

So we’ve seen what we can’t do. But what can a woman do to remind her man of her worth, of her freedom to leave and her needs and desires?

4: Keep calm and polite.

Being standoffish, aggressive and selfish will not make you look like a girl in demand. You are a girl in demand because you’re a girl. That won’t be the first thing he thinks when you get angry. It will just make you look undesirable. Why does he want to be with a girl who snaps over the smallest thing, or insults him over every argument? He can surely do better than her.

However, turn that around. If you can remain calm in almost every situation and master your emotions to a point where even you, yourself, stop caring so much about minor things, then you become more desirable. Who is this girl who can take a joke, go through some pain and still smile and relax at the end of the day?

If you are always polite and courteous, then he will not end every argument thinking he can do better than you. You will possibly even stand out as one of the few women he’s dated who can take an argument seriously without throwing ad hominems.

By making sure you are relaxed, balanced, polite and gentle at all times, he will not harbour any memories of the pain you caused him. He will instead be able to appreciate your efforts towards the relationship.

5: Nurture.

Another thing women are often very good at, but that we’re losing a little is our nurturing nature. Whether it’s a child, a cat or even a work project, we care for things closely, tenderly and carefully to ensure they fully develop.

And that is most men’s most intimate non-sexual experience of women. From his mother and grandmothers, to teachers and mentors, men grow up around women who nurture them to help them grow and develop. Some even become dependent on this nurturing to work hard and fail to thrive when there is nobody to congratulate and reward them.

Many girlfriends and wives fail to nurture their partners. In part, this is instinctive. We would, in a wild world, have babies and elderly parents and livestock that needed our nurturing more than our husbands. And men don’t really need to be constantly nurtured. They are well-equipped with a desire to better themselves for its own sake and a fear of failure.

But when a man is motivated by more than fear, he will often throw extra effort into his entire life. By nurturing your husband, keeping him relaxed, happy, fed and motivated to grow, you are making sure his quality of life improves dramatically. And he will associate that change with you and want to keep you around.

6: Be available.

Whereas men often withdraw resources such as sex, money, emotions or safety so as to remind a woman that he improves her life, we can benefit more from doing the opposite.

Men already know full well that women don’t need to provide. In fact, their many experiences and observations on women have already shown them that most women don’t want to provide or are even averse to it.

By doing your best to meet his needs, provide for him and give him everything you can you are telling him that you are different. And you don’t even have to actually give your all. Something as simple as listening to him complain about a day at work or making his favourite dinner will already tell him that you stand out. When so few women take a single step in this direction, being the one to go the whole mile often makes you by far his best prospect.

7: Be attractive.

Men are primarily attracted to our looks. It is their internal desire, the love that motivates healthy reproduction. So take care of those looks.

If you let yourself go he may start taking you for granted. This is literally the only situation where a man can undervalue his woman’s ability to find a new partner. When she gains an extra 20lbs, cuts her hair a way he doesn’t like or stops wearing makeup, he sees her as less attractive and this makes him assume that other men will see her as less attractive. He assumes that as he doesn’t want to work to keep you, other men won’t work to get you.

By keeping as attractive as you can, you keep him on his toes. Regardless of what you look like, how old you are, what you wear or where you come from, if you

A: try and be as attractive as possible to him and

B: put in a little effort each day

you will get complimented on your looks, your efforts, your style, etc. And he will like you. Combine the two and he will be reminded that you are still desirable and that thousands of men across the world would gladly replace him if he needed replacing.

8: Be gregarious.

The final step to female dread is to be gregarious. That is, to meet people, see people, talk to people and have fun. How you do this depends on you and him. Something like inviting his friends over to dinner and letting him see them compliment you and your cooking could be a firm reminder. Or he may need to see you dressed to the nines in an upscale bar with guys fighting to buy you drinks. The key here is that you don’t need to do anything on top of that. Just be your usual self, plus what you do for him. It will be enough to attract some attention and he will, trust me, definitely notice that his woman is getting attention.

And that is how a woman can apply dread. Skip the threats, the online dating accounts left open, the withdrawal of sex or the long nights out. Instead, be a joy to be around, an asset to his life, the easiest partner he’ll have (only once he has you, mind) and someone attractive and desirable to him. He will dread leaving you.

TTFN and Happy Hunting.

Disclaimer: Yes, it’s a little cold and cruel on the surface. The concept of dread is inherently troublesome to men and women alike because it kills our illusion of choice.

Using female dread as the example: a woman buys her husband a stash of his favourite chocolate bars, this makes him like her more.

He likes to think that she did it because she just felt like it and that he chose her out of his own free will. When he is aware of female game, he starts questioning it. Perhaps she did it because she consciously knew it would make him more attracted. Perhaps she is making him choose her. The illusion of choice is killed. This can even make something nice, such as getting his favourite chocolate bars, seem unpleasant.

When we are unaware of dread it’s easy to just think of such things as natural, loving, automatic behaviours. But when we are aware of dread, we realize that either on a biological or a conscious level, our partners are manipulating us into loving them.

It hurts to accept. But this is how it would be, whether we knew about it or not. And by knowing about it we can better use dread to our advantage.

Happy Birthday Jon!

As you probably already know, Jon and I signed the wedding papers a month and a half ago, having been a couple for four and a half years and having lived together for almost two years. And as you may already know, despite my lifestyle I am practically the poster child for a Strong And Independent Woman™.

How so? Well, coming from an unusual and tough childhood and being already predisposed to not particularly caring for social mores, I have always sought to better myself. I prize independence because independence is safety and safety is happiness. I have seen some of the world, lived wholly on my own and done just fine.

I have learned various skills and can run a home entirely on my own if I chose to. I can fix taps and replace seals, unblock drains and fix ubends. I can weed the garden, mow the lawn and light a fire just fine on my own. I can do all the cooking and cleaning and have some knowledge of most of the feminine arts, such as sewing and crochet.

I have credits stored for when I want to finish my degree and a place almost guaranteed in a decent course for when the time comes, be it in a year or forty years.

I have my own business as a private tutor, writer and translator and bring home around ÂŁ600 a month steadily, ignoring my dollars on the side or cash-in-hand payments. If I chose to I could probably boost this quite significantly as the demand is there.

I have also developed an amount of self-sufficiency. I don’t need to rely on anything or anyone if I don’t want to. I can grow, forage or snare my own food.

So I don’t really need any specific person. Do I need society? Of course I do. Everyone does. And, as Janet Bloomfield has already mentioned, men are kind of the absolute pillar of society. But I don’t need a butcher, a guardian, any single person I know could, theoretically, have never existed and I would have been dandy.

But despite how easy it would be for me to claim my absolute independence and be cheered on by every back-patting feels-troll feminist I’m not a Strong And Independent Woman Who Don’t Need No Man™. Because not only do I need, as we all need, the social support of men, I also need one specific man.

Again, theoretically, he doesn’t need any specific person.

He has always been independent and has never needed much in the way of human company. He sees his best and longest standing friends once every 3-6 months and that is the way it always has been for him. He has seen enough and heard enough to know that not all people want to care for him and to prepare himself accordingly.

Even before meeting me, whatever I may say of his diet when we joke around, he was feeding himself just fine. He was strong and fairly healthy. He knew how to make a healthy meal when he has to. He also knew how to budget and clean and tidy and live on his own.

He has his degree, several qualifications and many skills. He has work all but guaranteed in the most advanced to most degraded of societies. He understands where he can go for resources if he needs them and he can do most things on his own when he must, such as minor car repairs and growing his own food.

And in that, he enriches my life as I enrich his. We’re both strong and independent. We don’t really need any random person off the street. But he isn’t a random person off the street. He’s a massive addition to my life. He takes the burden off my shoulders when I’m carrying too much. He exchanges work when we could each do the other’s work better. He provides for me and I support him. Everything is better for having him here. And life would be possible without him, but it would, quite frankly, suck.

I’m a Strong And Independent Woman™ and I do need my man. Thank goodness I have him.

TTFN, I’m off to bake a cake.