3 Types Of Respect.

To say that respect is a hard to grasp concept is an understatement. Men view respect as acknowledging superiority, women view it as showing basic decency. Superiors view it as simple obedience, underlings as submission. In one culture it may imply to show deference, in another to show affection.

And this is not because respect is an elusive, undefined concept. But because we all have a rigid definition of what respect means to us, formed by the culture we are immersed in and reinforced by our peers.

However, all definitions of respect can be almost neatly divided into three categories. Understanding these three different categories can assist us in everyday social situations. They will help us to deduce which definition of respect a person is employing, to work out how to talk with them. They will help us to determine whether justice is being done or not. And they will make it easier to negotiate for better treatment from those around you.

1: Respect for your fellow man.

Commonly used by: women, children (who have learned it from their mothers and not yet altered the meaning), some EFL speakers from EU and African nations.

Meaning: “To show basic courtesy, decency. To not interfere with someone’s basic human rights. To not harm someone else’s property or make their lives uncomfortable.”

This definition is the most basic form of respect and, to many, does not mean respect at all. It is based on the concept of inclusion and exclusion and simply means that you will accept and treat the respected person as a part of your group, rather than as an outsider.

Example: “Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect and kindness.”

How to display: Do not insult or attack anyone, be considerate of other’s feelings and ideas, give room for everyone, do not show undue preference.

2: Peer respect.

Or “voluntary respect”.

Commonly used by: blue collar men and women, between friends, fans.

Meaning: “To acknowledge a superior or equal trait or ability in someone whom you are not required to show admiration for.”

This definition¬† refers to the act of observing a peer’s greater ability at cooking, stronger morals or similar tastes. It is based on the concept of hard-earned reward and means that if you work hard, in some way you will be repaid, even if not in resources.

Example: “Respect is earned, not given or taken.”

How to display: Treat those who you like or admire (for whatever reason) as slightly closer friends than they are, vocally acknowledge their ability, defer to their superiority only when they are relevant.

3: Enforced respect.

Commonly used by: white collar workers, students, teenagers, religious adherents, EFL speakers from Latin-American and Asian nations.

Meaning: “To defer to and obey a person based on a culturally predetermined rank.”

This definition refers to the culturally, legally and personally enforced subordination to someone whom your culture has placed above you. It is based on the concept that rank earns certain rights (might makes right) and that you must follow your intellectual, moral, skilled or physical superiors.

Example: “You must show your boss respect at all times.”

How to display: Work out the group hierarchy, obey the highest individual, do not use bad language around them, or disagree with them openly.

When we put these three concepts together we end up with respect as a triangular diagram, with everyone’s definitions sitting somewhere between the three. But based on associated words, what we know about the person and the context in which they use the word, we can work out what they actually mean, rather than assume their meaning and ours is identical, or even similar.

What does respect mean to you?

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

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What feels best is not most virtuous.

However positive I am being, I felt this was a subject that needed to be broached.

At times like these, between the fragile state of the Middle East and Europe, the holiday season and family time approaching rapidly and waves of left wing activists trying to convince us that their next “victim” is worthy of our press attention, the mind is drawn to morality, happiness, human wellbeing and what it all means to us anyway.

And for some reason the attention seems to currently be on those things that make you feel best.

Give money to the homeless man with the dog because they might not get food this Winter.

Let the refugees in because our government caused this mess.

Invite round those relatives you hate because you’re still family and this is family time.

Do whatever makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Even if the homeless man uses all the extra money for alcohol and leaves his dog ownerless.

Even if some terrorists are hiding in the refugee crowds.

Even if those relatives start an argument that further divides the family.

Because that good feeling is what matters…

Except it isn’t. The nicest, least judgemental, least cynical action isn’t always the most virtuous. Sometimes being virtuous doesn’t feel nice.

Sometimes it means directing authorities to the man and his dog so they at least have shelter, even if they are unhappy or separated.

Sometimes it means protecting yourself and your country rather than giving the refugees a chance at your quality of life.

Sometimes it means avoiding family conflict, even if you are ill thought of for a month or if you lose someone forever.

Sometimes, the most virtuous, healthiest action hurts, makes you feel guilty, makes you sad or blows back at you. And that’s OK. Virtue won’t necessarily make you, or anyone else, happy. It just sets the world to rights.

So do right by yourself, your family and your friends. If you wish to do right by others, make them healthy, not happy. And don’t worry if the right decision doesn’t feel good. That’s not what it’s supposed to do.

TTFN and Happy Hunting.

5 Things To Do For Your Husband Today.

Often we rely too much on someone telling us what they want. And not everyone knows what they need, how to express it or that you can help. Same goes for your husband or live-in-partner. However close you are and however much you ask, there will always be things to do to make his life better that he won’t ask you for, but will appreciate immensely.

In my personal experience and from observation, here are five things you can do to make his day nicer that he wouldn’t even consider asking for.

1: A massage.

A staple of stereotypes and jokes, massages are really great. And I’ve found that men tend to be more likely to offer a spontaneous massage and women are more likely to request one than the other way around.

But everyone benefits from a good rub down once in a while. Start by waiting until he is sat down and relaxing and begin at the shoulders and neck. Work your way down his upper arms, then back up and down his back. Massaging his legs and feet are also options. Try and mix up the massage techniques. Men have fewer nerve endings near the skin surface than women, so a deep tissue massage where your knuckles are really digging in can feel very pleasant to them.

2: Pudding.

Everyone loves treats and most people enjoy a treat after dinner. However people turn to unwholesome foods more often when there isn’t something better on offer.

With a few minutes, some cream and some fruit you can make an ice cream, with a little extra time and a pastry recipe you can make a pie. Think of his favourite pudding and surprise him with it tonight.

3: Wash his outdoor clothes.

Many men enjoy spending time outdoors or simply have to for their job and chores. Does your husband do the gardening, go jogging, walk the dog or collect firewood? Then he will have some designated outdoor clothes he uses for them.

It might look like his tatty old jacket, muddy wellington boots and dusty overalls are meant to be that way, but as long as you don’t accidentally break them, many men appreciate coming home to the holes in their jacket patched, their boots mud-free and their overalls washed and dried.

Just because he likes his old clothes doesn’t mean he wants them to look old all the time or fall apart entirely.

4: Find/buy him something to enjoy together.

Your husband likes you. That means he likes spending time with you, seeing you smile and enjoy yourself and sharing his hobbies with you.

Look into a few of the things he likes that you weren’t all that interested in. Maybe he’s an avid gamer, a fan of a certain comic, interested in music or fond of gardening. Then, find something you think you would both enjoy and plan to do it together.

You don’t have to actually do it today or to surprise him with it. The fact that you took the initiative to learn about one of his hobbies and want to spend time joining him will make him incredibly happy.

5: Have some quiet time.

However much of an extrovert he may be, however much he adores you, everyone likes a little bit of quiet and men seem to want just a touch more quiet than women. It’s possibly even a biological difference, just like women need a bit more sleep than men.

But this doesn’t mean you need to be out of the room whenever he wants quiet. He still loves you and wants to spend time with you. Just make a point of putting on his favourite show or leaving a book on the table for him and cuddling up as he enjoys it. Make a drink, get something to do in silence and just sit there together.

And those are five things you can do today to make him happy and show him how much you love and respect him.

What do you do to make your husband or wife happy? How do you try and make each day special? Please share your advice and anecdotes with us!

TTFN and Happy Hunting!