The concept of “otherness” is based on the idea of “us vs them”. In short, when we have established what we are, everything else is not us, and therefore must be “them”. The “other” is the individual who has not yet found a place where they belong, or who primarily deals in an environment where they do not belong.
In Part I: Stepping Out, I explored how Other Girls (OGs) are less often an absolute reject and more often the female equivalent to the male rogues: capable, gender-conforming individuals who feel at odds with the main group they live among. In this second part I explain some of the relationship dynamics of OGs and how normal human sexual behaviour manifests or fails to manifest among us.
Rollo posits that “Nerd culture represents an environment where a girl’s otherness makes them a prized commodity.” He goes on to suggest that these girls may have been outcompeted in the popular SMP. Which does hold true in many ways. However, in my personal experience, it is not quite so simple. Not all OGs will leave the popular SMP, still playing or competing in it even once they have opted out of every facet of modern society. Many, possibly around half, of opt-out OGs are average or below and seeking a field where they have better leverage. Yet at least half of OGs were romantically successful and sexually desired by high ranking males before becoming othered. And often they are still desirable as they attempt to exclude themselves. Thus, I put forward the four reasons I have observed OGs leaving the popular SMP for:
1: Unattractiveness or low femeninity.
It’s always an issue. As Rollo correctly stated, when a girl is below average attractiveness she will look for a pool where she has more leverage. This unattractiveness might be simple physical characteristics: facial deformity, being just about below average, overweight, etc. However it may also be a social cue: poor makeup, unfashionable clothes, strange hair, lack of tribal markers. It can also be psychological or behavioural: aggressiveness, brashness, anxiety, emotional flatness, sarcasm, nihilism, etc. All of these can make a female seem genetically unfit to potential male suitors, meaning she either cannot pair up, cannot pair up to her standards or cannot pair up openly.
Thus, she will seek a pool where she ranks higher, a pool where the men she desires are less valuable and more available or a pool where she can play the part of trophy rather than the part of mistress.
2: Introversion or conservativism.
This follows on from the psychological andbehavioural side of unattractiveness, but deserves a mention all of its own in current society. However attractive a girl is, if she does not step up in appropriate time for a guy, based on his experience and observations, she will drop social qualifying points. The girl who knows you for a year before working out if she even likes you, whether she can trust you or seeing you enough to make up her mind is not the most desirable one. She is likely to wait around as her love interest dates other girls, wondering when to make a move. Unless he is interested in her from day one, this is one of those rare cases where even a cute, average or feminine girl can end up in the “friend zone”, more appropriately described as the “sister zone” or the “child zone” for the absence of any sexual desire from him for her.
The second issue is related to introversion, but a bit more serious, especially for girls who are younger. The girl who flirts and dates like an extrovert (even if she is not) yet does not put out soon enough for her romantic interest will lose his passions. There are two types of conservative girls: naturally conservative and socially conservative. The naturally conservative girl may be giving off the wrong cues because she cannot distinguish between friendly, coy and flirty, as she does not have the different behaviours herself. She can be friendly for years before developing sexual interest, and still accidentally imitate the other girls’ flirting behaviour, displaying social sexual attraction cues. The socially conservative girl is in a more awkward position. She naturally still seeks sex, but has conditioned herself to hold out. Therefore, her body is displaying basic, natural, instinctive sexual attraction cues, the sort of cue that is picked up on automatically and considered a safe guess as to her nature. When either of these girls fails to live up to what her social cues or natural cues implied, they can find themselves losing the attention of males around them.
3: Disagreement as to the qualifiers of a male.
As I already explained in Alpha Girls, Sigma Girls, although all women want the best man we can “catch”, what defines “best” depends on the woman. A more introverted woman may view a true to type Alpha as a threat to her safety, an excessive amount of socializing and a source of stress. A woman who does not worry too much about comfort or wealth may be just as happy with a poor musician as with a rich one, provided he meets her other criteria.
The same goes for “other” girls. Rollo has touched on this also with his concept of the Exceptional Emo. Here a girl seeks a man not for the usual indicators of success (wealth, status, physical prowess), but for markers of creativity and independence. These males can be situational Alphas or Sigmas themselves, and are very desirable to girls who want a quieter life compared to the Alpha Girl, or who simply do not like the array of Alphas available. There are many Situational Alpha and Sigma archetypes that are as desirable to OGs as the standard Alpha archetypes (entrepreneur, patriarch, jock, politician, rogue) are to main society girls. To boot, the things that main society girls consider to be these men’s “downsides” can be strongly attractive to OGs. For those reasons, it would take a while to describe them all in depth. However here is a summary of the six main types, as far as girls are concerned:
- The starving artist. A rogue creative type: flighty, sensual, sensitive, stern, possibly bipolar, drug or alcohol issues are a genuine threat, many ideas that start and are never completed, his art consumes him entirely leaving limited affection and time for women, despite this he will pursue many.
- The death cultist. A religious heretic: blasphemous, anti-cultural, independent, attracts many followers, persuasive and charismatic, many ideas that he never acts on, can as easily be the starter of a vegan-hippie-diet-peace-movement or of a branch of Satanism, so long as it shocks.
- The switch. The bottom-dom: soft, sensual, sensitive, highly manipulative under the surface, demands perfection, a master of the carrot and rod, may engage in submissive sexual play, follows his plans and ideas through.
- The mad scientist. The technical creative: off-kilter, possibly schizoid, nervous tics, constant flow of ideas and conversations, puts things into practice as soon as the idea strikes, unorthodox methods of getting results, sometimes cannot explain or recreate his processes.
- The mathematician. An introvert with dominant traits: nervous-looking and quiet, more physically imposing than he should be, possibly practices martial arts or another form of physical combat, sweet yet somehow he is obeyed, an expert in an undervalued or often mocked field.
- The warlord. A situational Alpha who values violence: big, strong, imposing, commanding, he understands that violence and its suppression and expression are actually key to maintaining peace, he enforces laws of his own or prior design, holds his woman to a high standard of independence.
An OG is vastly more likely to want to be with one such male, as he more closely resembles her. And these males are unlikely to be true to type Alphas even among subcultures, let alone in popular society. An OG may leave all social connections behind in order to pursue a Sigma starving artist who has limited interest in her.
4: Cultural contrasts.
Tying all these points together, the end point is that an OG is a culturally separate entity from the main group. If she looks oddly, does not engage in typical female habits, does not follow standard relationship patterns or cues and has a stronger preference for a death cultist or a mad scientist than for the jock or the entrepreneur, she simply will not view the dating pool afforded to her as sufficient. The cumulative result of various differences between her and her competition will make her simply opt-out of competition.
This might be because she thinks competition is too strong or too weak, because she thinks the most socially valuable males are undesirable, because the males she thinks are appealing are not attracted to her or because she thinks the popular girls will essentially cockblock her every effort. But, at the end of the day, when you want a coffee you go to a coffee shop, not a smoothie stand.
Next week: OGs beyond education: marriage, employment, family.
TTFN and Happy Hunting!