Being One Of The Others. Part II. Partnering.

The concept of “otherness” is based on the idea of “us vs them”. In short, when we have established what we are, everything else is not us, and therefore must be “them”. The “other” is the individual who has not yet found a place where they belong, or who primarily deals in an environment where they do not belong.

In Part I: Stepping Out, I explored how Other Girls (OGs) are less often an absolute reject and more often the female equivalent to the male rogues: capable, gender-conforming individuals who feel at odds with the main group they live among. In this second part I explain some of the relationship dynamics of OGs and how normal human sexual behaviour manifests or fails to manifest among us.

PARTNERS.

Rollo posits that “Nerd culture represents an environment where a girl’s otherness makes them a prized commodity.” He goes on to suggest that these girls may have been outcompeted in the popular SMP. Which does hold true in many ways. However, in my personal experience, it is not quite so simple. Not all OGs will leave the popular SMP, still playing or competing in it even once they have opted out of every facet of modern society. Many, possibly around half, of opt-out OGs are average or below and seeking a field where they have better leverage. Yet at least half of OGs were romantically successful and sexually desired by high ranking males before becoming othered. And often they are still desirable as they attempt to exclude themselves. Thus, I put forward the four reasons I have observed OGs leaving the popular SMP for:

1: Unattractiveness or low femeninity.

It’s always an issue. As Rollo correctly stated, when a girl is below average attractiveness she will look for a pool where she has more leverage. This unattractiveness might be simple physical characteristics: facial deformity, being just about below average, overweight, etc. However it may also be a social cue: poor makeup, unfashionable clothes, strange hair, lack of tribal markers. It can also be psychological or behavioural: aggressiveness, brashness, anxiety, emotional flatness, sarcasm, nihilism, etc. All of these can make a female seem genetically unfit to potential male suitors, meaning she either cannot pair up, cannot pair up to her standards or cannot pair up openly.

Thus, she will seek a pool where she ranks higher, a pool where the men she desires are less valuable and more available or a pool where she can play the part of trophy rather than the part of mistress.

2: Introversion or conservativism.

This follows on from the psychological andbehavioural side of unattractiveness, but deserves a mention all of its own in current society. However attractive a girl is, if she does not step up in appropriate time for a guy, based on his experience and observations, she will drop social qualifying points. The girl who knows you for a year before working out if she even likes you, whether she can trust you or seeing you enough to make up her mind is not the most desirable one. She is likely to wait around as her love interest dates other girls, wondering when to make a move. Unless he is interested in her from day one, this is one of those rare cases where even a cute, average or feminine girl can end up in the “friend zone”, more appropriately described as the “sister zone” or the “child zone” for the absence of any sexual desire from him for her.

The second issue is related to introversion, but a bit more serious, especially for girls who are younger. The girl who flirts and dates like an extrovert (even if she is not) yet does not put out soon enough for her romantic interest will lose his passions. There are two types of conservative girls: naturally conservative and socially conservative. The naturally conservative girl may be giving off the wrong cues because she cannot distinguish between friendly, coy and flirty, as she does not have the different behaviours herself. She can be friendly for years before developing sexual interest, and still accidentally imitate the other girls’ flirting behaviour, displaying social sexual attraction cues. The socially conservative girl is in a more awkward position. She naturally still seeks sex, but has conditioned herself to hold out. Therefore, her body is displaying basic, natural, instinctive sexual attraction cues, the sort of cue that is picked up on automatically and considered a safe guess as to her nature. When either of these girls fails to live up to what her social cues or natural cues implied, they can find themselves losing the attention of males around them.

3: Disagreement as to the qualifiers of a male.

As I already explained in Alpha Girls, Sigma Girls, although all women want the best man we can “catch”, what defines “best” depends on the woman. A more introverted woman may view a true to type Alpha as a threat to her safety, an excessive amount of socializing and a source of stress. A woman who does not worry too much about comfort or wealth may be just as happy with a poor musician as with a rich one, provided he meets her other criteria.

The same goes for “other” girls. Rollo has touched on this also with his concept of the Exceptional Emo. Here a girl seeks a man not for the usual indicators of success (wealth, status, physical prowess), but for markers of creativity and independence. These males can be situational Alphas or Sigmas themselves, and are very desirable to girls who want a quieter life compared to the Alpha Girl, or who simply do not like the array of Alphas available. There are many Situational Alpha and Sigma archetypes that are as desirable to OGs as the standard Alpha archetypes (entrepreneur, patriarch, jock, politician, rogue) are to main society girls. To boot, the things that main society girls consider to be these men’s “downsides” can be strongly attractive to OGs. For those reasons, it would take a while to describe them all in depth. However here is a summary of the six main types, as far as girls are concerned:

  1. The starving artist. A rogue creative type: flighty, sensual, sensitive, stern, possibly bipolar, drug or alcohol issues are a genuine threat, many ideas that start and are never completed, his art consumes him entirely leaving limited affection and time for women, despite this he will pursue many.
  2. The death cultist. A religious heretic: blasphemous, anti-cultural, independent, attracts many followers, persuasive and charismatic, many ideas that he never acts on, can as easily be the starter of a vegan-hippie-diet-peace-movement or of a branch of Satanism, so long as it shocks.
  3. The switch. The bottom-dom: soft, sensual, sensitive, highly manipulative under the surface, demands perfection, a master of the carrot and rod, may engage in submissive sexual play, follows his plans and ideas through.
  4. The mad scientist. The technical creative: off-kilter, possibly schizoid, nervous tics, constant flow of ideas and conversations, puts things into practice as soon as the idea strikes, unorthodox methods of getting results, sometimes cannot explain or recreate his processes.
  5. The mathematician. An introvert with dominant traits: nervous-looking and quiet, more physically imposing than he should be, possibly practices martial arts or another form of physical combat, sweet yet somehow he is obeyed, an expert in an undervalued or often mocked field.
  6. The warlord. A situational Alpha who values violence: big, strong, imposing, commanding, he understands that violence and its suppression and expression are actually key to maintaining peace, he enforces laws of his own or prior design, holds his woman to a high standard of independence.

An OG is vastly more likely to want to be with one such male, as he more closely resembles her. And these males are unlikely to be true to type Alphas even among subcultures, let alone in popular society. An OG may leave all social connections behind in order to pursue a Sigma starving artist who has limited interest in her.

4: Cultural contrasts.

Tying all these points together, the end point is that an OG is a culturally separate entity from the main group. If she looks oddly, does not engage in typical female habits, does not follow standard relationship patterns or cues and has a stronger preference for a death cultist or a mad scientist than for the jock or the entrepreneur, she simply will not view the dating pool afforded to her as sufficient. The cumulative result of various differences between her and her competition will make her simply opt-out of competition.

This might be because she thinks competition is too strong or too weak, because she thinks the most socially valuable males are undesirable, because the males she thinks are appealing are not attracted to her or because she thinks the popular girls will essentially cockblock her every effort. But, at the end of the day, when you want a coffee you go to a coffee shop, not a smoothie stand.

Next week: OGs beyond education: marriage, employment, family.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.

Being One Of The Others. Part I. Stepping Out.

The concept of “otherness” is based on the idea of “us vs them”. In short, when we have established what we are, everything else is not us, and therefore must be “them”. The “other” is the individual who has not yet found a place where they belong, or who primarily deals in an environment where they do not belong.

Rollo Tomassi has recently offered a post on “Gamer Girls”, in an attempt to explain how girls who are “other” to society still fit into the general rules of human nature, in their own ways. And it is a difficult one. In principle, women are more socially malleable than men. We adjust and adapt to environment as women who adapted to sudden cultural shifts had greater survival and reproduction prospects. And yet some women stubbornly refuse to “adapt” to popular culture, even in the face of ostracization. Therefore, whilst the basic urges regarding friends, family and partnering may still apply to them, due to a radically different, self-imposed environment, “other” girls may display these traits differently.

GENERAL SOCIETY.

One of the core principles of female survival is that women adapt and follow. We follow the herd, or the leader, or whoever seems to know what they’re doing. By acting cautiously en-masse, the overall result is greater survivability. We adapt to our nearest surroundings so as to adjust whenever there was a cultural or physical takeover. The women who adapted after an invasion survived and bred, those who did not died with their geneline.

It makes sense therefore that women will easily adapt to any culture, be it popular culture, gamer culture or a cult. However where do Other Girs (OGs) fit in? After all, they are rarely both adapting and following. Some OGs adapt to a new subculture, but do not follow instruction within it. Some OGs follow a new leader, but do not adapt to any culture. Most OGs neither fully adapt nor fully follow, wandering between popular society and other societies, sitting outside of social structure.

Rollo suggests that “most fall into the demographic of ostracized weird girl or semi-goth, fuscia-haired outcast who never clicked with the in-group girls in high school.” However this otherness is not always derived from rejection on behalf of the culture, and successful integration is no guarantee that an OG will continue to be integrated, enjoy it or seek it out. This is especially noticeable when it surrounds traits you can alter (goth, fuscia-hair, talks about anime, bad makeup, piercings, no knowledge of soap operas). After all, if a “normal” girl is rejected for fuscia hair, the first thing she does is excuse it, joke about it, rush home and dye it back to her original colour. The OG, on the other hand, continues to wear it, almost on principle, failing to adapt to social pressures and to follow the herd. Even in the absence of support, the OG will keep her pink hair. This stubbornness, confused for strength, may draw some weaker girls to follow her, yet the OG may or may not welcome a tribe of supporters of her own. There seems no purpose to it at all.

I propose that OGs are actually a class of our own, akin to the rogue males who never establish a place in a hierarchy. The concept of tribal rogues is observed and documented, if only a little. The principle is that sometimes a man will detach himself from his tribe, like a young lion leaving the pride, but will not then find a new tribe to become a part of. These men range from low Beta to Alpha and generally lean to Sigma. They have some ability to lead, but not much desire to do so at all. They do not tolerate difference, cultural norms or social hierarchies. They live on their own, as best they can, exploit the lands, seduce and rape, borrow, barter and pillage, do odd jobs and vanish into the night. They are Other Men. They do not belong and they do not want to.

The OG is the female equivalent to the rogue. OGs have many variables which will affect how and why and when they will isolate themselves from general society, but, in principle, it is all self-driven.

Variable 1: Social energy.

Introverted OGs may always be one of the others due to their lack of energy for other people.

Extroverted OGs may have appeared to be one of the main group due to their exuberance and love for people.

Variable 2: Social desires.

Independent OGs are eager to split from the group regardless of the presence of external support.

Dependent OGs are wary of leaving the group and preapred to be a near-outcast as long as they are safe.

Variable 3: Precedent.

Long term OGs are more likely to stay that way. They have probably attempted to integrate and failed before.

Recent OGs will repeatedly attempt to integrate, sometimes for years at a time before they get tired.

Variable 4: Subcultures.

OGs who fit into a subculture are happier to leave the main group, as the subculture provides the home they want.

OGs who do not fit into a subculture are less willing to leavethe main group due to a lack of support.

Variable 5: Desirability.

Sexually appealing OGs are more likely to leave the group, as they have guaranteed access to certain males regardless of female support.

Sexually unappealing OGs will be wary to leave the group, as the group is their primary supply of males. They may be forcibly excluded, however.

Variable 6: Femininity.

Feminine OGs are likely to leave the main group to follow a single male and avoid general modern competition, which they deem excessive.

Masculine OGs are just as likely to leave the group, but because they crave stronger, more male competition.

Variable 7: Partnering.

Single OGs will be hesitant to leave the main group until they feel sure they can find a partner to support them.

Attached OGs will either leave the goup with support from their partner or rejoin the group accompanied by their partner, as their social dynamic is different from when they were single.

All seven variables play a heavy role in whether a female who does not idnetify with the main group will leave it or attempt to integrate. Thus, Tomassi’s design is of an Introverted, Dependent, Long Term, Subcultured, Undesirable, Feminine, Single OG. Which is a real phenomenon. However there are also Introverted, Independent, Long Term, Unsubcultured, Desirable, Masculine, Attached OGs like myself. And there are also Extroverted, Dependent, Recent, Unsubcultured, Desirable, Feminine, Single OGs who may not appear to be an OG at all until the opportunity to break free from general society arises, at which point they cast off the mask of “us” and reveal themselves to be “other”.

Next week I will explore and explain some of the relationship dynamics of OGs and how isolation from primary culture can affect a girl’s attitudes towards partnering.

TTFN and Happy Hunting!

 

For help starting out homemaking, check out The ESSENTIAL Beginner Homemaker’s Guide. For help budgeting all your everday and not-so-everyday essentials, from food to transport to clothes, check out On A Budget: The good homemaker’s guide to economizing.