Women are often cryptic in how we speak. Even a relatively masculine woman like myself can say something in “girl code”, brush a matter aside or drop a flimsy hint. And it will happen from time to time regardless of our efforts.
That said, we also often speak cryptically when we know we’re doing it and when we can prevent it. And here are six reasons why we shouldn’t.
1: He can’t read your mind.
Here’s the thing: men aren’t telepathic. They don’t have a wire that taps right into our brains.
Yes, humans engage in nonverbal communication. But male and female nonverbal communication is a little different and, even if it wasn’t, why are you relying on someone guessing every element about you? You wouldn’t ask an interviewer to guess why you want the role, so why would you expect your husband or boyfriend to guess where you want to go for dinner?
2: But he knows something is wrong.
Although nonverbal communication is different for men and women, one thing we absolutely share is the ability to detect distress, pain, anger and fear in others. Even psychopaths, who otherwise lack natural empathy, have this ability. We need it to survive.
So don’t assume that just because you haven’t said your head hurts or you’re angry, he won’t know. He will know and dismissing it doesn’t work.
3: He wants to help.
If he loves you and can sense that you are in any way distressed or upset, he wants to fix that. He wants to be your hero and beat up all the bad guys. So when you don’t tell him who or what is hurting you, he worries and could go into overdrive trying to fix your life until you’re happy.
4: He wants to know if he can’t help.
Sometimes there’s nothing he can do. Maybe you’re going through a period of existential depression, you hurt your foot or work is just very stressful lately. Guess what? He still knows you’re unhappy and he still wants to help. At least let him know when there’s something wrong and when you don’t want or need any help he can offer.
5: Stress builds up over unspoken matters.
Again, just because he knows you’re upset doesn’t mean he can read your mind and guess why you’re upset or who you’re upset at. He could decide that you’re angry at him, or feeling hurt by something he did. If you don’t say why you’re upset and he doesn’t confirm that he is or isn’t the source of the problem, then tension and stress may build between you.
6: Shared experiences are bonding experiences.
On the flipside, living life for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, together at all times, can really bring you together. By sharing your hardships and your pain you’re opening a very vulnerable part of yourself to him. Perhaps he will reciprocate and show his vulnerability and ask for your help. Perhaps he will strive to make your life easier until you’re back on track. Or perhaps it will just put his mind at ease about your suffering. However it works out, you will be drawn closer by sharing rather than hiding.
7: Honesty leads to better results.
Finally, we need to kill our expectations and selfishness in relationships, but that doesn’t mean we want nothing from them. After all, relationships are transactional. What does he do when he wants you to grab his coat, make him dinner, answer the door, get him something specific for his birthday or listen to him? He asks you. That way he either gets what he wants or gets a (hopefully good) reason for your not doing it. You need to try and do the same. Think he’s letting himself go? Say so before it gets out of hand. Want him to pass the salt? Ask. Have a specific idea of what you want for your birthday? Tell him what it is.
The worst he can do is say no.
TTFN and Happy Hunting!
What situations have you been in or seen where noncommunication caused a problem? And where communication prevented a problem? I’d love to hear some anecdotes on the matter! 🙂